August 4, 2010
In
Random babble
Warning gents; Girly post…
If it’s not painfully obvious already, I will tell you that I often have the attention span of a 2 year old. I’m not a big reader as in books. Not because I don’t love them or think that reading is one of the best things you can do to educate yourself, but because it usually takes me months to get through one. I read for 30 minutes, put the book down, come back in 2 weeks and reread because I forget what I have previously read. This was not the case when I read Eat, Pray, Love. I flew through the book like I did when The Babysitters Club series when I was 12, as if I couldn’t sleep until I read every page. After seeing the preview for the upcoming movie that’s been made about Elizabeth Gilbert’s journey around Italy, India, Indonesia I have to share a story. I Can’t wait to see the movie now…
I finished Eat, Pray, Love on December 5th, 2008 sitting in a red velvety chair facing the door at the Carytown Richmond Virginia Starbucks. (How’s that for details. Clearly finishing that last page burned that day in my mind for good.) Like so many other woman out there, I remember after I first started the book, I stopped reading after the first few pages, looked around as if I were on camera and thought; Um, did I write this book in my sleep or when I was drunk or something and someone else put their name on it?! The opening scene when Elizabeth is crying on her bathroom floor, trying to make sense of her life, how she got there, with the guy she was with and what the hell she was going to do next- that was me. (Flash forward to me finishing it a few days later in that Starbucks.) I closed the book and sat staring blindly straight ahead for about a half hour, got up and left trying to brush off the truth and reality of my misery at the time like so many of us do when the world is trying to give us signs to wake the hell up. I was too chicken shit to listen or act back then. I mean I had it “all.” Giant diamond, fit, smart, fiance’, amazing apartment and about to move to start a fresh new life. All great plans for the future, yadda yadda. I was absolutely miserable then, but why rock the boat and even if I wanted to, where the hell would I begin?
Exactly 25 days after that morning finishing Eat, Pray, Love in that Starbucks and me ignoring what my gut and the world was trying to tell me, my then fiance’ woke up in bed and straight dumped me. The world screamed at me “HA HA Diane! You can run but you can’t hide punk! We will always find you and make you pay attention whether you like it or not!”
Thank God, Buddha, the stars…
If you knew me then, you know I then shared all the moments that Elizabeth had written about. Talk about feeling like my world collapsed. After a few months of sheer absurdity, crying uncontrollably, not eating or sleeping and thinking my whole life was over, (I’m rolling my eyes at myself right now and laughing. Oh the times in life we can look back and be mortified at what a hot mess we were) something clicked and a big ol’ F*CK THIS came screaming out of me and I have never looked back. I am so thankful I was dumped. I mean so, so, so, wicked, totally, mongo thankful. The best lesson I got from those few months of pure hell, was that my hell wasn’t about missing some guy or getting dumped, it was because I had left NOTHING for me. Nothing. I had given up friends, volunteer groups, my soccer teams- all of it. I had let work slide and not kicked my own ass to continue being the independent bad ass girl I had been/always wanted to continue to be. I had given up myself and had no foundation, so when I was left alone I felt like I couldn’t stand on my own two feet. Talk about hell. There’s nothing I can imagine worse than being a go-get it gal and finding yourself feeling pathetic and powerless.
To think that this summer I can feel confident enough to quit my job, sell everything I own, drive across the country to Alaska with absolutely zero plan, knowing no one there, not knowing what I’ll do when I get there or after I leave, is pretty awesome considering a year and a half ago I had to call my Mother to ask her if I liked cream and sugar in my coffee I was so lost and sad. I have only $817.00 in my Blue Lollipop Road bank account, 3,000 miles left to just get to Alaska, no job, no home, and even though I have a few loose thoughts on what’s next, I still have absolutely no idea where I’ll end up or what’s in store for me. I am a worry wort even though I have always been pretty carefree too. I have good and bad days ongoing, but I have never felt less worried in my life. I have to credit that to doing lots of hard work and putting myself through hell to get here. Looking in the mirror, looking hard in the mirror is really hard. Being real seems like it should be easy, but it’s not. Blue Lollipop Road is my mirror. I write things here that I share with lots of people, and some things I write I’ve never talked to anyone about. I figure if I put it all out there, I will always have to stay on my toes from now on, I’ll be held accountable for things I say and do, and I will never get to the point of losing my foundation again. If putting out the “I’m going to’s” here doesn’t put enough healthy pressure on me to reach for my stars and keep my solid independent ground, I’m not sure what will.
When thinking of the Eat, Pray, Love preview I saw last night as I fell asleep, I thought to myself I wonder how many people are going to say to me something along the lines of; “Hey Di! have you seen that movie that’s coming out? It’s totally like your trip!” I guess it is and I hadn’t thought the book at all it until last night.
I ate in NYC (and I’ve been to Italy and feasted there) I’ve “prayed” on the road thinking about just about everything (and I’ve been to India too) and while I haven’t been to Indonesia yet, a few of you know about my running joke of making out with a lumberjack named Ben when I get to Alaska, so?…
I’m laughing.
I’m loving my life, understanding more and more about who I am and what I want. I’m loving that I can write all this here and people will read it and appreciate it in whatever way works for them. I love every little moment I’ve had in my life. I love all the lessons I have learned. I love that I have finally started trusting the process and that I am exactly where I need to be. Best of of all I know that because of things that have been thrown at me and situations that I’ve been through, I’m less and less fearful of life’s obstacles every day. I’m thankful for women like Elizabeth Gilbert who fall apart, pick themselves up and write about it so we can read their stories and learn how to pick ourselves up too.
I have 14 hours in the car today. I better get going…
