…this was my view.
I’ve given up living in a McMansion, driving a new car, clothes shopping, and well- even a bed along with lots of other things so I’m able to do this stuff.
It doesn’t work for everybody, but I sure am glad I’ve made the choices I have.
I’m on the west coast and It’s 3:30am. I’m awake again lying here thinking about NYC AGAIN.
I’m ruined.
I started out my Alaska or Bust trip this summer there. From the second I drove in even close to the city I felt like a fish who found water. I NEVER imagined wanting to live there in a million years but 8 weeks and 2 days later here I am lying awake thinking about it. I have tried to force myself to love another place, I. Fully anticipated that I’d have some pull to Seattle, Portland, San Fran or Napa for a home right now. While I heart those cities for some reason I don’t really have a drop of pull for them. NYC however has me under It’s spell like no chocolate, man, cute baby, puppy, or other thing ever has.
Here’s a fun question; Where does a 32 year old single girl with nearly $27k in debt move with some solid leads but no place to live and no job? Well The Big Apple of course!
Eff! This is one of those times I almost wish I could ignore my heart and head. This is one of those times I think maybe It’d be nice to be a little scared about following my intuition. Now that I’ve gifted myself a trip and space like I have this summer I can see what I want and don’t want with a clear head. That’s quite a responsibility. If I ignore things I know I want or need moving forward, I know the world will b*tch slap me. I’m excited for that. So, so excited.
Be careful for what you wish for. You just might get it then you might be lying awake at 3:30am somewhere in the world because your conscience has an alarm for you that won’t go away.
I haven’t the slightest how I’m going to make this all work, but my alarm is going BEEP BEEP BEEP! I guess its time for some serious game planning on how this Vermont girl is going to make it in the big city. Unless some dream job or other situation comes out of nowhere like a right hook in the next two days, I think It’s pretty apparent where I’ll be headed. Here’s to freezing my ass off this winter!
…home again, home again jiggety jig.
I’m not actually planning on buying any pigs, but to wine country I go for sure. Maybe some work and a home for a spell, maybe just a visit with a friend for the weekend. Resume’s, have been flying out, networking has been happening for weeks, connections, research, hand shakes and high-fives all around. Blogging and traveling is oh so lovely, but I never get a paycheck on a Friday so we have to work on that.
Regardless of what the next step/place/thing is for me, I’ll never have a lack of things to talk about here. I have too many photos of yummy food, cool people, neat places, funny road signs, and other ridiculousness to not share them here. For instance the peach galette that Jess, friend of my friend Emma in Seattle who housed me made:
YUM.
Or this funny sign at a grocery store in Sitka Alaska:
I put it out here and in the universe that I was going to Alaska so I’d kick my own ass to do it. I’m not a big believer in sitting on some kind of “bucket list” for years. I think if you want to do something, you should just do it. However, i do think it’s healthy to write down what you want in black and white to help force yourself to own it. Even if it’s as simple as I want to eat a popsicle today. ( I had a DE-LISH fresh, organic, blackberry, roadside farm one the other day in the California Redwoods.):
So off to Napa to Napa to buy a fat- or er, well, maybe pick, sort and crush some grapes, hose out some barrels, work in a tasting room, become a monk-whatever. Maybe I’ll somehow find a way to get back east to a couple weddings I’m supposed to be at in the next couple weeks and then to the Big Apple to make a home. (Or at least sleep in a garbage can.) All I know is a couple biggies next on my active bucket list are to learn fluent Spanish and become a killer Salsa dancer. (Ok, so another marathon is on the list too, but I’m not sure about my half-broken knees…) Learning languages, booty shakin’ and running so I can eat more chocolate? I’m on it. I trust the rest will work itself out just as it’s supposed to. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m down to my last $50 and I’m going to wine country? I guess we will see…
Nah, I’m not trying to peace out or quit blogging here. Just ending my big trip from this summer in a quiet and reflective way. You’ll never guess what I found. I’ll accompany this big news with a giant HOLY SH*T. I’ve figured out what I want to do for work. (Well, one big thing anyway.)
I’ve only struggled, wondered, freaked, questioned, doubted, scratched my head and thought for you know, about a million hours during the past say 12 years. I’ve been fighting to figure out where my place is, what I’d become, where I best fit, why I didn’t want to do just one job or be just one person. I haven’t figured out all the secrets or anywhere near all the answers. What I have done is take time and space at 32 years old, just for me, in a way far from anything I’ve ever done. I stopped doing things because of other people and stopped telling everyone what I’m doing at every minute. I’ve not even called some of my best friends back in 8 weeks. I haven’t talked to family members more than twice in this 8 weeks. Typically I’d be calling or texting them everyday. Sometimes more than once.
It’s hard for any of us to understand what we’re doing and why we’re doing it, until we step out of it. WAY out of it. Yes I chose to be in Alaska for the anniversary of my friends death and to reach a goal of my 50th state. I am proud of that. It’s something no one will ever be able to take from me. What I didn’t realize, was the bonus gift I got from this trip was understanding myself more. It literally took me removing myself so far physically from where I was I couldn’t have driven farther if I tried. (Wilmington, NC to Alaska.) I’ve learned in this time that its not bad to take care of myself. Its not selfish either. After all, how could I ever be a good friend, worker, sister, neighbor, etc. if I don’t take care of myself or know enough about who I am. It’s not an easy task to completely leave your old self behind, abandon some habits and allow yourself to really understand the next time and phase of what you might be, but boy does it feel good after you do it.
The best surprise in my experience this summer has been those moments of; Wow! THAT’S why I had that nutty job all those years back, or Oh! I guess it makes sense now why I ended up moving there, trying that, dating such and such a person or having the desire to such and such a thing. As if we walk around today, scratching our heads doing our best to try and understand why certain things are happening, then we’re gifted by waking up the next days in our lives seeing that it all makes sense and was for something.
I know what I want to do now. I understand better than ever what makes me jump out of bed for a job. Now figuring out how to work it.
I hope you all take what time you can to simply, stop, shut your eyes and think about how the experiences and education you’ve collected can work with what your heart and soul are screaming to you everyday. When those things combine it’s like magic. I’m feeling like I’ve found some magic.
Here’s to disappearing for good reason.