disappearing again di?

disappearing again di?

Nah, I’m not trying to peace out or quit blogging here. Just ending my big trip from this summer in a quiet and reflective way. You’ll never guess what I found. I’ll accompany this big news with a giant HOLY SH*T. I’ve figured out what I want to do for work. (Well, one big thing anyway.)

I’ve only struggled, wondered, freaked, questioned, doubted, scratched my head and thought for you know, about a million hours during the past say 12 years. I’ve been fighting to figure out where my place is, what I’d become, where I best fit, why I didn’t want to do just one job or be just one person. I haven’t figured out all the secrets or anywhere near all the answers. What I have done is take time and space at 32 years old, just for me, in a way far from anything I’ve ever done. I stopped doing things because of other people and stopped telling everyone what I’m doing at every minute. I’ve not even called some of my best friends back in 8 weeks. I haven’t talked to family members more than twice in this 8 weeks. Typically I’d be calling or texting them everyday. Sometimes more than once.

It’s hard for any of us to understand what we’re doing and why we’re doing it, until we step out of it. WAY out of it. Yes I chose to be in Alaska for the anniversary of my friends death and to reach a goal of my 50th state. I am proud of that. It’s something no one will ever be able to take from me. What I didn’t realize, was the bonus gift I got from this trip was understanding myself more. It literally took me removing myself so far physically from where I was I couldn’t have driven farther if I tried. (Wilmington, NC to Alaska.) I’ve learned in this time that its not bad to take care of myself. Its not selfish either. After all, how could I ever be a good friend, worker, sister, neighbor, etc. if I don’t take care of myself or know enough about who I am. It’s not an easy task to completely leave your old self behind, abandon some habits and allow yourself to really understand the next time and phase of what you might be, but boy does it feel good after you do it.

The best surprise in my experience this summer has been those moments of; Wow! THAT’S why I had that nutty job all those years back, or Oh! I guess it makes sense now why I ended up moving there, trying that, dating such and such a person or having the desire to such and such a thing. As if we walk around today, scratching our heads doing our best to try and understand why certain things are happening, then we’re gifted by waking up the next days in our lives seeing that it all makes sense and was for something.

I know what I want to do now. I understand better than ever what makes me jump out of bed for a job. Now figuring out how to work it.

I hope you all take what time you can to simply, stop, shut your eyes and think about how the experiences and education you’ve collected can work with what your heart and soul are screaming to you everyday. When those things combine it’s like magic. I’m feeling like I’ve found some magic.

Here’s to disappearing for good reason.