Before I go on my fuck rant, please know that no- I am absolutely not suicidal, I am not sad, depressed, I am not without hope or ambition, I’m not about to go postal and walk into some building and start shooting people. (I’m sure I could think of a few people It’d feel good for 1 minute to smack, but smacking people isn’t nice and it doesn’t set a good example so I don’t do things like that.) Yes, I still believe in everything. I know I can be and do whatever the hell I want at any moment I want and I will always be the only only scared-ass chicken shit that stands in my own way. I know I don’t have to do anything. The only reason I feel the way I do on this very day is a culmination of probably a good 2 years of me following rules of bullshit “shoulds.” I fell off the bandwagon. I used to not give a flip what anyone thought- and I just went for it all. I somehow lost my mojo and started running with the crowd. UGH. This has resulted in far too many debacles and much too much misery than I care to rehash in a crash and burn of essentially my entire existence these past couple years. By some stroke of absolute miracle, I still remain upbeat, positive, and can laugh and love like few can. I still know I’m bad-ass and will kick ass and take names. For some reason, I can take a life beating, beat myself up, and still believe, get, do and be things that most people just dream about. This does not mean big and fancy things or that I am some ruler of cool, it just means that I am capable of opening my eyes, looking around and saying; “What’s that? You hate our life? You’d give it all up in a second for X,Y,Z? Huh? Really? Wow, well- you can go ahead and force yourself to keep going down that road for some reason that you can’t explain, or because you think you have to- that’s just not good enough for me and it never will be.”

2 years off the bandwagon is far too much for me. I’m done. I am now driving the bandwagon again. I own that shit.

I’m calling a big fat fuck it and try again.

If I have to be called or thought of as crazy, unrealistic, immature to be happy and follow my heart and do things I know are the right things to do- that’s ok with me. If I lose jobs, family, friends, boyfriends, possessions because I go against the grain or chose to speak up, not do what other people do or ask questions that people don’t want to hear- that’s ok with me. Clearly those lost things would not be meant to be, or ever be able to handle living truthfully-like I want to, so that’s ok.

I know it’s possible to show my ass to the world and have people stick around, even if they do think I’m a little off kilter. The majority of those stick-arounders actually praise and love me because I am just the way I am. They wouldn’t want me any other way. I have a few key very supportive and amazing friends and an absolutely incredible family to which I thank my lucky stars have encouraged me and believed in me since day 1. They love me for my will, my heart, my energy and my outlook and that is friggin awesome…

…and precisely the reason I feel comfortable writing the following: