February 18, 2010
In
Random babble
I think I’m finally smartening up as years pass, surrounding myself with real, like-minded people and understanding myself better than ever. It’s the best.
I just had a long conversation with a brand-new friend. (One of those lucky strikes; You meet and 22 seconds later you think to yourself- done! This one is a lifer! YIPPEE!) We have only know each other for about 3 weeks but you would think it’s been years. We have very similar stories having to do with our 20’s. (Typical young-adulthood things) having no idea who we were, relationship failures, feelings of being lost, insecure, over-committing to people, jobs and volunteer work, becoming “successful” then losing it all, moving to unfamiliar places- all that stuff.
Like comfort food or going home to see Grandma, it is such the best treat when you can have an at length conversation with another human who just “gets” it/you. It feels fantastic when you get through a very difficult period of growth and can sit on the other side with someone who relates and just laugh and laugh.
My favorite part of today’s chat was when I shared the single best place that I’ve personally gotten to. The:
Really, if I’m not good enough or what I’m doing is not good enough- screw off.
Yeah, that place.
This is not negative or bad- it’s the exact opposite. How many countless times have we all shrugged our shoulders and said something along the lines of: “I don’t even care anymore, it’s/he’s’/she’s not even worth it”, “Whatever if they don’t like me-oh well!” or “Screw them- I don’t give a shit.”
You know, that cocky and pretend bad-ass place you think you are at the time you say something like one the above but you actually do totally give a shit?
I’ve nearly killed myself the past 1.5 years trying to come out of a dark hole of immaturity and life cluelessness. Having no idea who I was or what I want. I sure don’t have all the answers now- nor will I ever, but damn have I gotten to a place now that I feel more at peace, happy and just plain old chill than I ever have. It’s friggin awesome. Working hard to get to this place comes with GREAT reward. (That above “place” I was talking about.) Feeling 100% confident that yes, you have tried your best, you’ve put heart and soul into “it”, you’ve been been honest and forthcoming, gotten up early- stayed up late and earned ever bit of whatever it is. The reward of the very first time you say “screw off” and you actually really feel that way, as in please don’t come running after me because I won’t turn around, I don’t really care if I ever see you again-yeah for real, no thanks-I’m over it-you’re a day late and a dollar short.
It is soooooooooo nice. That place feels like a million bucks. It’s like this freedom that’s unexplainable. Like putting a stake in the ground saying I have conquered! All that blood, sweat and all those tears were worth it and I’ve really gotten to know myself. I came, saw and kicked ass.
Here’s to kicking ass, taking names and finding incredible comfort in your ability to say if it’s not good enough; “Screw off!” and walk away smiling…
Thanks L. or should I say thanks JW? HA!
I was cracking up the other night when I rolled up behind this car at a red light. not the greatest photo but you get the point. Driving and snapping pix on my cell phone is not my best talent.