always biting off…

always biting off…

As I sit here on this peaceful morning sipping my coffee and munching on my multigrain toast, 9 days into my trip- I decide I better finally look at a map and driving directions to Alaska from where I am in Upstate New York. Two words come to mind as the lake laps, the sun shines, and the breeze blows perfectly…

HOLY SHIT.

No I have not looked at a map for more than 30 seconds since I “planned” this trip. Yes, I know that AK is clear across the country and up through Canada Yes, I know that before taking on this challenge, perhaps I should’ve actually understood how far I’d be going. I didn’t. All I did was calculate that it was going to cost me at least $700 worth of gas to drive my route. It’s too late to turn around now and I don’t want to, but my am I going to have a lot more figuring out to do than I ever expected. (I have a tendency to jump then think. Blissful ignorance. No wonder why people get frustrated with me and stubborn has always been one of the top 3 words Mom uses when describing me.)

I now know that it’s a simple 10 hours from where I am to Chicago. No problem. That’ll be done in a day and a snap of a finger for me. From there though, it’s 34 hours straight driving to get to Seattle before going on the final leg to AK. Seattle to AK? Gulp…two days straight driving. It takes a lot for me to feel daunted, but I have to admit the holy shit and oh craps are running through my head now. I suppose because reaching this goal of mine was in the category of travel, and I love travel, I’ve instinctually had the; Pshaw! Cakewalk! Easy for me!- attitude. Sitting here now, I’m hitting a bit of the “wall” (like the one when you’re running a marathon, see mile 25 and think you’re done because you’re delirious, until it registers that indeed it is 26.2 miles to completion, not 25.2 and you want to scream- are you effin kidding me?! You want me to keep running?!) Push push push and get it done or drop.

Oh the wall.

After my engagement break-up a while back when I was a pile of train wreck disaster, a friend had said to me:

“This is when you either become that crazy old lady who lives alone on the side of a mountain in a log cabin to never come down, or you kick it into high gear, tear it up and own your life. It’s your choice Diane.”

I keep the above quote in mind, in those moments when I am exhausted, broke and wondering why the hell I am such a blissful idiot sometimes to do what I do. I’ll be channeling the spirit of my lost friends I am honoring and figuring it out as I make my way to Alaska and beyond. Perhaps this trip is meant for me to learn than place where you jump with a parachute. I’m already feeling like a different person since I left my starting point. I can’t explain it but it’s pretty amazing, it’s as if I’m getting to know myself and seeing my personal limits. Maybe I’m finally going to get to that place where I’ll start using those things they call baby steps. If this trip has already transformed me as it has by only day 9, I know without a doubt that it was the right decision and time for me to take this journey.

Here’s to tearing it up but starting to recognize balance too.