today is the day

today is the day

I was hoping I’d be able to write this after much thought and quiet time a few days after the Boston Marathon bombing news had “calmed down.” (As if a tragic event like that could ever calm down.)

As I sit here on Friday April 19th now, at 3pm with the TV on while I work- I feel just horrified. The sadness, anger, confused, and thankful feelings all at the same time are overwhelming. I feel horrified and heartbroken for the families of the bombing victims. I feel horrified and heartbroken for the witnesses who weren’t physically hurt at the marathon, but saw the scenes that will be burned in their minds forever. I feel horrified for all the little kids around America that see police, SWAT teams, armed guards and other in person geared up like It’s World War 3 in their neighborhoods and on TV today. When it was Friday April X date at 3pm and I was 5, 6, or 7 years old- I was getting on the school bus simply looking forward to a weekend sleepover party or having some peanut butter toast for an after-school snack- not locked down in my house with my parents clutching me comforting that “the bad guys won’t get us-don’t worry sweetie” like I’m sure thousands of parents are doing right now around Boston. I feel heartbroken and horrified that people around the world live in so much pain, for whatever reason- they’re damaged so deeply they feel their only choice to feel better is to kill other people. Mostly, I am heartbroken and horrified because I know what It’s like to lose someone you love unexpectedly in an instant. I’ve felt that minute, that day, that time burned into the farthest place in my soul that I never knew existed until it did. I’m horrified and heartbroken because I’ve spent 18 plus years (and will spend many more) feeling things that I am sure all of the people who’ve lost someone during this tragedy will feel for the rest of their lives too.

It seems as though the “It changed my life forever” is a frivolously thrown around line. For me, my “It changed my life forever” really did. Everyone deals with tragedy in different ways. There’s no right or wrong. I’ve dealt with the most tragic event I’ve lived through to date by writing, traveling, spending the most time with people I love, and not being afraid. I can honestly say I very rarely feel fear. It’s not because I’m big and bad, but because I know that after I saw 2 of my best friends in caskets, just hours after having a fun soccer day with them- nothing else could ever scare me again. That was my ultimate nightmare. This is hard for me to write, when being open with my writing is usually easy. I’m not trying to be graphic, bring up pain for anyone who is related to my lost friends if they read this, or insert me, me, me personal experience. It makes me cry to reread the above lines and the word “casket” makes my stomach turn. I hate it. I hate it. God I hate it. I am writing this in hopes that this week, this post, any tragedy will be a DAILY REMINDER (in whatever possible manageable, “healthy”) way TO KEEP IN MIND that life is short.

LIFE IS SHORT. WAY TOO SHORT.

The reality is, none of us- including me, know if today is the last day. We don’t know when the last time is that we will see, hug, eat, with, joke with, work with, run with, fight with, play with- anyone in our lives.

I sent an email this morning to a group of my closest friend “family” who I’ve known for 15 years. They are all public safety guys who I worry about, especially during times like these. I wrote that I was thinking of them, love them, and hoped they were safe. I wrote to them admitting that I was a big chicken shit and would never be capable of doing the work they do. (I wouldn’t. Hats off 100 times over to all of you out there in the military and public safety field, who run straight in, while I am running the hell out.) I often write letters, cards, and emails expressing to people in my life that I love and appreciate them. I’ve been sweetly teased over the years about being a “nerd.” I’ve been thanked many times; “You never forget us Di.” I will proudly own my queen of the nerds status and my teasers are right- I won’t ever forget. Ever. Since 3:56am when those red numbers burned on my digital alarm clock as the phone rang on August 18th, 1994  my life has never been then same. I get how precious time is. I never want to stand over a casket wondering if the person lying lifeless in it, questions how much I appreciated and/or loved them. I know my friends Maria and Brandy knew how much I appreciated and loved them. I have never questioned that for one second, and I think that is the only reason why I’ve been able to cope with the loss of them.

I created Blue Lollipop Road to try and carry forward their joy for life. That pure love they had. I’ve wanted to spread the message to live like you mean it because tomorrow might never come. That- do what you love because what the hell are you waiting for now is the time, thing. After this weeks Boston, the Oklahoma City Bombing, a Columbine Massacre, a 9/11 years ago now. After Aurora Colorado Cinema and Sandy Hook Elementary shootings recently, after hearing stories of bullied teens who commit suicide, and healthy one day and cancer-ed the next people we all know, and every other heart wrenching loss, I feel more driven than ever to turn into the symbol of  Nike: JUST DO IT- and right freaking now!

This is not a screw everyone just do it maaaaaan. I’m not suggesting we all go out to tie one on and party like rockstars never looking back tonight. Let’s not all go running amok, getting wild quitting every job, your friends, all current hobbies and burning down your apartment to make a statement of “we’re not gonna take it anyeeeemoreeee!” You don’t need to run in and tell your boss 50 ways to go f*ck himself. (Ok- maybe you actually do:) It’s not imperative that you do everything you ever wanted to do right at this very second. However, I will suggest you start. In fact, I’m imploring anyone out there who isn’t already- to start doing what you want.

SPEND TIME DOING WHAT YOU LOVE WITH WHOEVER YOU LOVE.

TELL PEOPLE WHEN YOU APPRECIATE AND LOVE THEM.

TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS.

DO  WHAT MATTERS TO YOU.

LIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

Don’t wait.

Don’t wait.

Don’t wait.

You might not be able to do it all today- but you can start today.

There’s a very good chance that tomorrow will come, but there’s also a chance that it won’t. Period.

Why wait?

I’m so incredibly thankful for my public safety and military friends who’re brave in their work on a daily basis. I’m thankful for my family, and every one of you who read this allowing me to healthily cope with my great loss from years ago as I share my words to do so. I’m thankful to be able to have the freedom to say- what the hell are we waiting for- an invitation?

Tomorrow could be Boston again, or Shaftsbury VT, Sheridan WY, NYC, Brewster KS, or Seattle. Have you said I love you, or thank you today?

Life is short. Let’s start living the life we want to live today. No excuses, no waiting. Today is the day.