indeed i am smiling right now

indeed i am smiling right now

You know that scene in Home Alone where Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) runs, slides and says “Yesss!!! Yesss!!! and pumps his arms because he had just successfully pulled one of his tricks on the robbers?

That’s me right now.

After being on the road in the middle of nowhere in central Canada all day yesterday, amidst my joy and anticipation of everything that lies the next mile ahead, there were (and are fairly regularly) moments of; What the bleep am I doing? What am I stupid or crazy? Where the hell am I going to work and what am I going to do with my life after this? We all know that even when we do things that feel so right, there are those little voices and things that pop up to make us doubt ourselves. Thankfully I channel the friends and family I have, what I believe I can do and keep repeating to myself TRUST THE PROCESS DIANE. (Thanks Astro.) I keep on trucking.

(This is where I side note this story and expose my short attention span.)
When typing the above and thinking about how to convey how I shut the doubting voices up, it reminded me of this great t-shirt I saw in a chocolate shop in San Francisco a few years back. It read:

‘There’s a skinnier me inside that’s trying to get out.
I usually shut that bitch up with a piece of chocolate’

I so should’ve bought that shirt.

Back to the story at hand…

So I have been offline for about 35 hours and that feels like decades for a road tripping, Facebooking, Twittering, emailing, trying to figure out where I’m going to stay in Alaska blogger like me. I’ve been jumping out of my pants to upload photos and share more stories. I have enough for a book from only yesterday, but to share an email that came in just now:

Read your blog the other day after returning from vacation. I love my family dearly, immediate and extended, and it is good to see them always, no matter the circumstances, but I’ve a larger itch to scratch.

You’ve converted me.

I have 12 days vacation remaining this year (maybe a couple more at Christmas, they don’t count too strictly then).

And, if I want to “scare” myself into a depression, I could count the vacation days remaining until I retire. It’s about 300. I’m sure I’ll gladly and happily use half of them on both wild and mild adventures with my son.

But, I refuse to use any vacation days doing anything I can squeeze in during the workweek / weekends I am in town. I will not take vacation to paint my garage, set up my workshop, relax, cycle, (although a cycling vacation would be different and is allowed), fix my car(s), do any home repairs / home improvements, etc.

Instead, I’m going places and doing new things. By myself, with my son, with others, all of the above, it doesn’t matter. After you left your visit through here, I tacked a map of the world on my wall as a symbolic reminder my world has grown too small. Who I know, whom I meet, what I try, experience, and risk.

I have more thoughts; stories from jury duty, vacation, etc., but will save for future emails.

Be safe. Keep pollinating.

You’ve converted me. I’m pretty sure you’re smiling right now.

SMILING?! Smiling?! You can say that again (Insert the Home Alone scene here.) That’s me right now.

This email is EXACTLY the thing that keeps me believing and trusting myself and that I’m doing what I should be. This is what shuts up those doubts I have. Words like these tell me I’m paying it forward without even trying. I believe that life is about paying it forward; Living and believing in what you love and always give back

The person who wrote this email to me is one that is kind, generous, smart, sweet, driven, honest, loyal and fun. Thing is, I’m not sure he knew this a few years ago, and I’m pretty sure he might doubt a few of those things now, but he’s getting there, and not because of me. To say that the look on the faces of people when telling them we’ve become close friends would be puzzlement is an understatement. We are so far different it is comical, but get along perfectly.

Somehow he’s trying to credit me with “converting” him. HA! Little does he know he has done way more for me than I could ever do for him but I guess that’s how things like this work. I certainly cannot take the credit. My credit goes to a student exchange program and two friend that aren’t here in physical form anymore. Those are the some of this big things I channel to constantly remind myself the world will always bigger than me, and that it’d be a sin not to laugh and love as much as possible every day.

So thanks G, but all I’m doing is fumbling through my life trying my best to keep the good in mind instead of the bad and respecting the gifts I’ve been given. I’m thankful you saw my heart instantly even though you met me at my rock bottom. I love that you’re taking life by the kahonas. You deserve it. Oh and did you hear? Apparently jorts are hip these days…and you didn’t think you were cool. Pshaw!