Embrace The Suck

The past few weeks have been kind of sucky and depressing for me. Not that I haven’t been doing fun things, felt thankful for what I have or that I’m unhappy about anything necessarily, just a nagging feeling of something I couldn’t put my finger on- or was too scared to. I made some big ol changes for the start of 2010. I got a new job, moved to a different state, got a new apartment, bought all new belongings, have made new friends and have never felt more balanced, independent, smarter or happier. This is the truth and not sugar coated bullshit. But? Then there is that nagging, awful feeling still, that thing I feel like is keeping me from me from being even more bad ass than I already am. 

It’s time for me to squash that shit once and for all. This is not a warning, but this is going to get ugly before it gets pretty, so strap on your seat belt. 

(In total random order; I am typing as fast as I can as my body and brain flood finally getting some of this out.)

1.) Not one single thing has ever made me feel happier or peaceful than traveling and writing this blog.

2.) I have $28,086 in debt and not the “good” kind. 

Sure a big chunk of it came from a broken engagement, but most of it because I was flip-flopping and flailing like and idiot with different jobs and moves and didn’t have a steady paycheck for two years. (Oh being an immature kid trying to find the light.) I have always been prideful about being a money savvy girl. Ironically, I even sit down with people and teach them how to save money on their monthly bills occasionally so it really pisses me off that I finally crunched numbers on myself and the calculator read $28k. WTF?!

3.) I have the best friends and family in the whole wide world. That’s a fact.

4.) I have a job and in a company that I love more than I ever have any other.

It’s so much bigger than getting a paycheck. I have a boss who respects and loves me after having had plenty of shitty ones who never cared. It’s great.

5.) Even though I am 5 foot 3 inches and have always weighed between 115-135 pounds, weight has always been an issue for me. 

I bet 95% of you are gasping right now? What? the athletic, active Diane? Yep. It’s true. This is something that I struggle with every single day. I was raised in a loving family, but one that was very unhealthy and overweight. Much is the same today. I have and do binge eat from time to time and it’s disgusting. When I do it makes me feel awful about myself and my body and often like I hate myself. Addiction is the same for anyone; never specifically about the food, drugs, etc. but about a bigger issue. I continue to try and understand myself and this issue. It sucks and is really hard. I have never talked to anyone about this. I’ve somehow managed to keep my loss and gain within a 15 pound range for years, but it is no way to live and it is completely unhealthy. This is a very embarrassing thing for me to admit. As I educate myself more on how the human body works and what it needs, the art of where food comes from and over all health, I want more and more to help educate and motivate people like me who might have similar issues to live healthier.

6.) My Dad is an Alcoholic. 

I didn’t realize this until about 9 years ago. Not because of denial, but because my Dad is a Functioning Alcoholic so it never registered with me. He’s this friendly, country redneck guy, who never really worked too much but hunts a lot. He does his own thing never really bothering anyone. (Never really contributing to anything either for that matter.) I hated him, I mean loathed him until about 6 years ago. He has never been abusive to any of the family , but he sure has never been a Dad either. It’s all I know so it’s normal to me. Growing up and even now when I say “my parents” it means my Mom. She was basically a married but single Mom raising 4 kids and did a seriously kick-ass job with what she had. I have always been protective of her and hated my Dad for years thinking- what a jerk! He’s a bad husband. That is until the day it really dawned on me that anyone is an idiot to stay in a bad marriage after 30-something years putting up with someone else’s bullshit. So? As the years have passed and I grow older I have stopped encouraging my Mom to leave because like anyone else, she will when and if she is ready- until then it’s her choice how she wants to live. I sure don’t want that kind of marriage so I learn from it all every day as a lesson. (I know you will read this Mom and crazily enough, be more proud of me for being honest than embarrassed for yourself. For that I cry as I type this and feel stronger than I ever have. I love you. Thank you.)

During a conversation at Thanksgiving a few months ago, I realized that holy shit- my Dad is only 52 and will most likely die in the next few years. (Ugh.) It never really dawned on me until then, that Alcoholism kills people and you can literally drink yourself to death. While my Dad has never really been in my life at all and could never begin to understand what I do or who I am, I’m at peace with him. It’s taken a lot of life lessons for me to get where I am on this subject. Since that day a few month ago I realized his fate, I simply feel sorry for him. He has 4 amazing kids, a wonderful wife and booze has run his life. Before he dies, he will never experience the greatness he has in front of him or see the life so many people could only hope for. What a shame for all of us.  

7.) I found a lump in my breast in November. 

No breast cancer for now thankfully, but holy shit was that confused look on the first Doctor’s face not fun. Feel your boobs regularly ladies. It pays to know your body and take immediate action when something doesn’t feel right. Don’t be afraid. If you are, call me- I’ll go to your appointment with you.

8.) I suck at technology and am often embarrassed by it. 

I have computer skills of a 6th grader. I have often avoided previous opportunity in my life because pride was in the way of asking for help. I feel silly now for that and have been teaching myself a lot lately.

9.) My little brother is gay and he is awesome. I mean THE BEST. 

For anyone out there who thinks gay people are bad, weird, wrong or freaky- this is my personal invitation for you to go suck it. I mean- really, go fuck yourself. (Same goes for no-good reason haters of Black people, Latinos, Transvestites, etc. You can all just go fuck yourselves:)

10.) I was once engaged to the “perfect” uber hot, nice, smart guy who literally woke up one day, said he “had a dream” and then dumped me right then and there. 

Well, technically I stood in the doorway saying what the fuck?! for a few minutes, left for a few hours, came back and then he dumped me and took the ring off. Ouch. This was not so much fun, especially because our entire apt. was packed up and we were supposed to move out of state together like a week later. There. That clears up the story for any residuals out there that occasionally pop up now and asked me horrified- What happened?! So shocked that “The perfect good looking couple who had it all” (what a joke that “having it all” thing is in reality) could’ve ever broken up. Yeah- we did, he dumped me. He was an uber ass to dump me the way he did, but when we were together I had actually become a mean, miserable and quite lost human, just not understanding which end was up with myself so I can’t say I blame him for peacing out. It was actually the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks Craig:) I mean, I didn’t know that awesome opportunity for growth at the time when I had to sell everything I owned and escape to another country so I could attempt to breathe, but I got a trip to Argentina and time with brother I will never forget out of the deal. That and a 30lb weight-loss and Kate Moss body for a few months because I literally could not eat or sleep. (By the way, ladies; If you ever think it’d be fun to be sickly skinny like a super model- think again. I looked like a skeleton and have never felt so disgusting in my entire life.) 

Last note on this one; I am 100% sure that if I did not have the love and support of family and friends during this specific past difficult growth time in my life- I would have had some serious suicidal thoughts. So scary. I will never look at anyone’s devastation from a broken relationship the same again.

11.) As of today, I still totally love and miss a guy named Sam.

I thought for sure I’d become a lesbian or hate men for 10 years after my engagement break up. Funny enough, literally the day after my last encounter with my ex when I had that- I am so sick of being sick over this- feeling, I met a group of guys. Sam was one of them. I thought nothing of it or him at the time as dating was sure the last thing on my mind, but a couple weeks later by chance I ended up hanging out with him. I had so much fun that night I literally felt like I had a rebirth. I don’t think he knows this but after the first time we hung out I literally ran into my house, closed the door, fell against it and started sobbing. (Yes- just like the movies) I immediately knew there was something about this guy that I was totally drawn to. I also knew the reason I was sobbing was because I had let go of a person I was engaged to. I hadn’t thought that would ever happen especially just like that (snap fingers here) but it did and was surprising, scary and exhilarating all at once.

I fought and fought to not like or be with Sam, but it didn’t take long to give up my fight and want to be around him all the time. Oh what a fun summer it was last year. Then in comes reality knocking at the door when you haven’t fully dealt with things or “gotten your shit together.” It knocked on mine. I was still a hot mess of figuring myself out, Sam had pretty much closed up and run away (sigh…boys…what gives?) and when I got a job offer that was a great opportunity for me- I up and moved alone and here we are today. I don’t pine or cry over Sam, but boy do I miss him sometimes and that hurts my heart. Even though I only spent a short time with him, he was so important to me. A genuine and true good soul and spirit that is like no other. I never once missed the man I was engaged to the way I have missed Sam. That’s pretty powerful stuff and shows me that indeed feeling like someone is your best friend too is key to a successful relationship. Sam was my friend. I actually liked him. Now he doesn’t ever talk to me, that pretty much sucks- but again lessons learned and no hard feelings. It’s amazing how confident I can feel about telling someone I love and miss them even though they have disappeared out of my life. Your loss buddy:)

12.) Fear of mine; Being a mom. 

I scoffed at the thought of having babies or ever having a family, until last summer actually. Silly as it is, motherhood to me always looked like my mom stressed and trying to make ends meet with the 4 of us kids or those many other moms out there who are fat and frumpy after giving birth for the rest of eternity, never to be sexy again. I realize now that you don’t have to wear mom jeans, get fat or become boring if you have kids. Your life doesn’t have to stop when you have shorties (thanks Lukie:) You can actually be fun, fit and actually take the little rugrats on trips with you, out in public and yep- even to a bar. If I am ever a mom (don’t get too excited people, I have no idea if this is in the cards for me and it is soooooo not a priority right now obviously) I’m going to chuck my earth-loving and respectful hippie-kids in the car and speed off to the play ground and let them play in the mud. just like my Mom let us. We all turned out just fine. None of this uptight mom stuff.

13.) Even though I was engaged, I could never picture a wedding or getting married. (Again, until last summer.) 

Now thinking it might be possible is scary thought because I sit at far too many weddings when the “speak now or forever hold your peace” thing is said and there I am with white knuckles fighting the urge. I know TONS of unhappy married people and it’s sad. (No wonder all the boys and girls run away from each other, people are always bitching about their spouses! Wives are nagging at husbands and husbands are hitting on the one single girl in the room. Gross.) Who am I kidding, I have been told one too many times that no man will be able to “handle” me. I’m beginning to think that’s true, but maybe that’s a good thing.

14.) I think cheaters suck. 

I am so not perfect (-have you read about my life above?) but I can proudly say I have never cheated on anyone. I know some cheaters. They make me sick.

15.) We were on food stamps for a while when I was growing up.

Mom would drive 2 towns away because she was so embarrassed. I can understand why. It wasn’t because my parents were incapable of earning money for food to feed us, Mom was taking care of us and Dad was too busy drinking and hunting to work. 

16.) My parents were married when they were 15 and 18. 

Yes. Holy shit. Mom quit school in 9th grade. Went back at night to get here GED when she was a married teen Mom and graduated from college just 4 years ago. Go Mom! See? Anything is possible. 

17.) I didn’t go to college. 

I moved out of my house when I was 17. I had applied to school and was accepted (for fashion design programs) I paid for the applications myself and pretty much had zero guidance from anyone. Again, my Dad was doing whatever he did in his selfish world, and Mom was too busy keeping us afloat to guide with college apps. 

At the time when I was 17, not leaving for college like all my friends and felt like a loser telling those college-bound friends parents that I was going to be a waitress, I got plenty of looks from them to fit that very loser feeling I had . Years later when some of those same past glaring parents told me how “lucky” I was because I had traveled and I had had all these experiences, while their now college-graduated kid was “confused and figuring it out now with 100k in college loans and isn’t it awful they are just a waitress, all I could do was shake my head. I thought, maybe now that your kid is where I was- you won’t look down on the next kid you meet like us. Oh how things come full circle.

(If you never went to college, it’s Ok, I promise. You can still make it all work.)

18.) I think fat kids (and badly behaving pets) are TOTALLY the product of shitty parenting.

19.) Boo to Facebook (with the exception of from a marketing and business perspective) and online dating. 

They seem to be an easy escape and excuse for people to not get off their asses to spend time actually doing/joining an activity/thing they really love for themselves, where they’d probably find like-minded people to be real friends and perhaps to date. These online “tools” are ways to avoid real human interaction. Like forcing relationships and expecting the world to drop a delivery of amazing people at your feet for putting out such little effort. I don’t get it. I just don’t believe things work that way.

Shoot me now. I am Ok with being in the minority.

There’s so much more. This feels great. I’m not being mean, I am putting my truths and opinions out there. I need to do that to grow. I told a friend today that I love writing here because if nothing else, it’s me taking ownership of all the things I do and learn why I do them. She replied that yes, it’s as if writing here and exposing myself holds me accountable. There you have it. This is me holding myself accountable, being truthful and attempting to keep only company around me who aren’t afraid to do the same. Perhaps exposing myself to the world here and cutting out all the bullshit, those last few doors in life will open for me that I’ve been trying to break through for so long. 

Thanks for pushing me P. You’re probably really are the first person who has been able to see all that I am and what I will be. I’ll keep churning away. Yes, I will always hate seafood and no- there’s not a chance in hell you will ever see me naked.