January 7, 2010
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Putting My Big Girl Pants Back On
Below on a previous post you can see where I wrote about taking off my Eff-bomb rant the other day. While I have felt like a million bucks since writing it, I had a momentary lapse of chicken-shit and took it off.
***By the way I’d like to note here that ever since the moment I pressed “publish” on that post, just three days ago- it’s like I went from driving a rusty 1973 Ford Escort with three tires to a 2010 super-speedster Jag or something. I mean I feel like a new human and am so not exaggerating. Sure, we all get pretty peeved sometimes, go through being bummed and down for a month here and there, run an extra 5 miles to get frustrations out- whatever, but clearly for some, it takes really hitting the boiling point; throwing off the gloves, ripping up one side and down the other of something, screaming out loud like a person from an asylum or writing with a rage and frustration that could move a mountain to get it all out and call a start over.***
I realize just three days later that my Eff-bomb post was all about me needing to get to that boiling point I hadn’t gotten to yet.
After I offered up “If you’d like to read it I will email it to you” – a few people asked me to email it to them and I did. Then ding-dong a text on my phone from one of the people who has called me out before (love that) saying; “Just read your email. Boy I bet you felt great after writing that! Now why don’t you put your big girl pants back on and put it back on the blog.”
Damn I love that guy. He’s so right.
Thanks F. Here’s the post back up full monty. This one is dedicated to you because while 49 states are great, there’s still one out there and so much more after that.
Yeah baby!
…Originally written Monday January 4, 2010:
I’m officially throwing an eff-bomb. A whole bunch of them actually.
I try to control my potty mouth most days. This is not one of those days. The one thing I have never done (as far as I can remember) on this blog is actually written the word fuck. Never thought I actually would want or need to, but today it’s time.
Before I go on my fuck rant, please know that no- I am absolutely not suicidal, I am not sad, depressed, I am not without hope or ambition, I’m not about to go postal and walk into some building and start shooting people. (I’m sure I could think of a few people It’d feel good for 1 minute to smack, but smacking people isn’t nice and it doesn’t set a good example so I don’t do things like that.) Yes, I still believe in everything. I know I can be and do whatever the hell I want at any moment I want and I will always be the only only scared-ass chicken shit that stands in my own way. I know I don’t have to do anything. The only reason I feel the way I do on this very day is a culmination of probably a good 2 years of me following rules of bullshit “shoulds.” I fell off the bandwagon. I used to not give a flip what anyone thought- and I just went for it all. I somehow lost my mojo and started running with the crowd. UGH. This has resulted in far too many debacles and much too much misery than I care to rehash in a crash and burn of essentially my entire existence these past couple years. By some stroke of absolute miracle, I still remain upbeat, positive, and can laugh and love like few can. I still know I’m bad-ass and will kick ass and take names. For some reason, I can take a life beating, beat myself up, and still believe, get, do and be things that most people just dream about. This does not mean big and fancy things or that I am some ruler of cool, it just means that I am capable of opening my eyes, looking around and saying; “What’s that? You hate our life? You’d give it all up in a second for X,Y,Z? Huh? Really? Wow, well- you can go ahead and force yourself to keep going down that road for some reason that you can’t explain, or because you think you have to- that’s just not good enough for me and it never will be.”
2 years off the bandwagon is far too much for me. I’m done. I am now driving the bandwagon again. I own that shit.
I’m calling a big fat fuck it and try again.
If I have to be called or thought of as crazy, unrealistic, immature to be happy and follow my heart and do things I know are the right things to do- that’s ok with me. If I lose jobs, family, friends, boyfriends, possessions because I go against the grain or chose to speak up, not do what other people do or ask questions that people don’t want to hear- that’s ok with me. Clearly those lost things would not be meant to be, or ever be able to handle living truthfully-like I want to, so that’s ok.
I know it’s possible to show my ass to the world and have people stick around, even if they do think I’m a little off kilter. The majority of those stick-arounders actually praise and love me because I am just the way I am. They wouldn’t want me any other way. I have a few key very supportive and amazing friends and an absolutely incredible family to which I thank my lucky stars have encouraged me and believed in me since day 1. They love me for my will, my heart, my energy and my outlook and that is friggin awesome…
…and precisely the reason I feel comfortable writing the following:
*FUCK PEOPLE WHO ARE MISERABLE FOR THE SAKE OF BEING MISERABLE
*FUCK PEOPLE WHO ARE NEGATIVE
*FUCK NOT DOING WHAT YOU LOVE
*FUCK NOT BEING AROUND WHO AND WHAT YOU LOVE
*FUCK BEING SCARED
*FUCK DOING THINGS IF THERE’S NO GOOD REASON JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS, BOYFRIEND, WIFE, BOSS, ETC. TELLS YOU YOU SHOULD
*FUCK NOT FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS
*FUCK ALLOWING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT CONSTANTLY DISAPPOINT YOU
*FUCK WAKING UP ONE MORE DAY IN A LIFE YOU HATE
*FUCK BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT MAKES YOU MISERABLE
*FUCK HAVING FRIENDS THAT ARE DRAINING
*FUCK NOT TAKING TIME FOR YOURSELF
*FUCK WHAT YOUR NEIGHBORS THINK
*FUCK BEING SAD
*FUCK NOT GOING FOR IT
*FUCK ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THAT YOU CAN’T
Some, but not all of the above apply to me but I wanted to at least get a short list down. I’m not sure if this fuck rant today will result in me just getting things off my chest to feel some relief or if it means I’ll be selling everything I own (which is not much thankfully) changing life all up again already after a huge recent change, or? What I do know for sure is that I am certain to follow wise words of one of those amazing people in my life; “Just keep swinging the bat Di- something will stick and you’ll know when it does”
I think there’s my answer- things just don’t feel like they’re sticking yet.
Blue Lollipop Road:
I’m not on vacation. I live here. this is my reality. I am always happy to take advice, critique and hear the other side of anything and everything. I am completely open to everything and will stay that way. I am going to bust my ass every second it’s possible to be nice to strangers, be a hard worker, be unselfish, give back to the planet, love people, laugh and be happy doing exactly what feels right in my soul. If you try your damndest too, fit the previous line and are in that 20% of existence that is positive- please, please be in my life. I will fight for you. If you are naysayer, exist to be negative in the world, bring people down because your life sucks- just fuck off please. I don’t have time for your bullshit. I’m too busy being happy:)
Looks like I’m taking another swing.
Whew. That felt good.
Anonymous
January 8, 2010 at 5:55 pmI missed this the first time you posted it and am so glad that you put it back up. I cannot agree more and wish I had the balls to live by some of those Fucks! I have a few family members that are not worthy of my time, yet to keep the peace, I deal with the bull shit, just because they are “family.” Family should be earned, not a birth right. Fuck it.