Blue Lollipop Road

my eat, pray, love

Warning gents; Girly post…

If it’s not painfully obvious already, I will tell you that I often have the attention span of a 2 year old. I’m not a big reader as in books. Not because I don’t love them or think that reading is one of the best things you can do to educate yourself, but because it usually takes me months to get through one. I read for 30 minutes, put the book down, come back in 2 weeks and reread because I forget what I have previously read. This was not the case when I read Eat, Pray, Love. I flew through the book like I did when The Babysitters Club series when I was 12, as if I couldn’t sleep until I read every page. After seeing the preview for the upcoming movie that’s been made about Elizabeth Gilbert’s journey around Italy, India, Indonesia I have to share a story. I Can’t wait to see the movie now…

I finished Eat, Pray, Love on December 5th, 2008 sitting in a red velvety chair facing the door at the Carytown Richmond Virginia Starbucks. (How’s that for details. Clearly finishing that last page burned that day in my mind for good.) Like so many other woman out there, I remember after I first started the book, I stopped reading after the first few pages, looked around as if I were on camera and thought; Um, did I write this book in my sleep or when I was drunk or something and someone else put their name on it?! The opening scene when Elizabeth is crying on her bathroom floor, trying to make sense of her life, how she got there, with the guy she was with and what the hell she was going to do next- that was me. (Flash forward to me finishing it a few days later in that Starbucks.) I closed the book and sat staring blindly straight ahead for about a half hour, got up and left trying to brush off the truth and reality of my misery at the time like so many of us do when the world is trying to give us signs to wake the hell up. I was too chicken shit to listen or act back then. I mean I had it “all.” Giant diamond, fit, smart, fiance’, amazing apartment and about to move to start a fresh new life. All great plans for the future, yadda yadda. I was absolutely miserable then, but why rock the boat and even if I wanted to, where the hell would I begin?

Exactly 25 days after that morning finishing Eat, Pray, Love in that Starbucks and me ignoring what my gut and the world was trying to tell me, my then fiance’ woke up in bed and straight dumped me. The world screamed at me “HA HA Diane! You can run but you can’t hide punk! We will always find you and make you pay attention whether you like it or not!”

Thank God, Buddha, the stars…

If you knew me then, you know I then shared all the moments that Elizabeth had written about. Talk about feeling like my world collapsed. After a few months of sheer absurdity, crying uncontrollably, not eating or sleeping and thinking my whole life was over, (I’m rolling my eyes at myself right now and laughing. Oh the times in life we can look back and be mortified at what a hot mess we were) something clicked and a big ol’ F*CK THIS came screaming out of me and I have never looked back. I am so thankful I was dumped. I mean so, so, so, wicked, totally, mongo thankful. The best lesson I got from those few months of pure hell, was that my hell wasn’t about missing some guy or getting dumped, it was because I had left NOTHING for me. Nothing. I had given up friends, volunteer groups, my soccer teams- all of it. I had let work slide and not kicked my own ass to continue being the independent bad ass girl I had been/always wanted to continue to be. I had given up myself and had no foundation, so when I was left alone I felt like I couldn’t stand on my own two feet. Talk about hell. There’s nothing I can imagine worse than being a go-get it gal and finding yourself feeling pathetic and powerless.

To think that this summer I can feel confident enough to quit my job, sell everything I own, drive across the country to Alaska with absolutely zero plan, knowing no one there, not knowing what I’ll do when I get there or after I leave, is pretty awesome considering a year and a half ago I had to call my Mother to ask her if I liked cream and sugar in my coffee I was so lost and sad. I have only $817.00 in my Blue Lollipop Road bank account, 3,000 miles left to just get to Alaska, no job, no home, and even though I have a few loose thoughts on what’s next, I still have absolutely no idea where I’ll end up or what’s in store for me. I am a worry wort even though I have always been pretty carefree too. I have good and bad days ongoing, but I have never felt less worried in my life. I have to credit that to doing lots of hard work and putting myself through hell to get here. Looking in the mirror, looking hard in the mirror is really hard. Being real seems like it should be easy, but it’s not. Blue Lollipop Road is my mirror. I write things here that I share with lots of people, and some things I write I’ve never talked to anyone about. I figure if I put it all out there, I will always have to stay on my toes from now on, I’ll be held accountable for things I say and do, and I will never get to the point of losing my foundation again. If putting out the “I’m going to’s” here doesn’t put enough healthy pressure on me to reach for my stars and keep my solid independent ground, I’m not sure what will.

When thinking of the Eat, Pray, Love preview I saw last night as I fell asleep, I thought to myself I wonder how many people are going to say to me something along the lines of; “Hey Di! have you seen that movie that’s coming out? It’s totally like your trip!” I guess it is and I hadn’t thought the book at all it until last night.

I ate in NYC (and I’ve been to Italy and feasted there) I’ve “prayed” on the road thinking about just about everything (and I’ve been to India too) and while I haven’t been to Indonesia yet, a few of you know about my running joke of making out with a lumberjack named Ben when I get to Alaska, so?…

I’m laughing.

I’m loving my life, understanding more and more about who I am and what I want. I’m loving that I can write all this here and people will read it and appreciate it in whatever way works for them. I love every little moment I’ve had in my life. I love all the lessons I have learned. I love that I have finally started trusting the process and that I am exactly where I need to be. Best of of all I know that because of things that have been thrown at me and situations that I’ve been through, I’m less and less fearful of life’s obstacles every day. I’m thankful for women like Elizabeth Gilbert who fall apart, pick themselves up and write about it so we can read their stories and learn how to pick ourselves up too.

I have 14 hours in the car today. I better get going…

1,779 miles down…

…3,000-3,600 to go.

Yeah, that many.

I ended up staying in the Midwest a bit longer than expected, to help my friends out with their kiddies and earn a few extra bucks. It feels good to help them out and maybe pay back one of the hundreds of things they’ve done for me. The few bucks don’t hurt either considering I’ll be out of loot on 2 weeks. From here I blast through Canada as fast as I can. This could take 4 days if I drive like an absolute madwoman or about a week if I manage to go at half super-psycho speed. The tires and oil are re-checked, I have piles of maps and books, and I’m looking forward to the look on the border patrol face when I say: “Hello sir! Just driving from the east coast on through to Alaska!”

I’ve learned that Verizon service is .69 a minute so there will be no chatty chat time in my next week or so via phone. $1,000 cell phone bills don’t exactly fit into my budget. Turns out my broadband card is a little more pricey over the border too which is a bummer. Unless I find a random internet cafe’/coffee shop when there aren’t even gas stations for hundreds of miles through some spots, I’ll be missing from here a bit. I’ll do my best to post what I can from 8/4-8/11. It’ll be a miracle if I get a shower during that time period so we shall see! (No, hotels don’t fit in the budget either. I like to be clean and all, but I once went 8 days without a shower when traveling and lived through it so I’ll be fine.)

There are 12 days until my birthday which I am so going to be in Alaska to ring in. 15 days until the anniversary. I’ve got a few thoughts on how I’ll spend that day, but undecided at the moment. I’ll be posting photos of the “Welcome to Alaska” sign here sooner than later. Please be patient if my posts are spotty or sporadic. (although a week without a shower and very little sleep and you probably won’t want to hear from me- I could get very cranky:) Thank you for following me this far. It’s been an amazing ride already and only going to get more interesting. If this ends up being nothing more than a conversation around a dinner table someday 40 years down the road with one of you telling the story:

“Remember that summer Diane was determined to make it to Alaska and she didn’t realize she hadn’t calculate that she’d have to have enough $ to actually get there and back to somewhere? She got stuck in that job gutting fish for a month after she had to hitch hike to make it there in the first place because her car caught on fire halfway through Canada after her tires all blew out? Remember that moose had run into her car too because she left chocolate on the front seat? Oh my gosh and that was after the border patrol had strip searched her because they thought she was nuts or a drug smuggler?!” (then lots and lots of laughter and teasing would follow…)

-It’d be Ok with me and all worth it. (Not to mention very funny.)

In doing some research I found that female life expectancy in the U.S according to different resources was between 78-82. I’ll take 80 for an average for now. That means I’m “expected” to live for 29,200. This is only if I am way lucky. As of today I’ve lived 11,668. That means I likely have 17,532 or less days left to try to learn all I can, make a positive mark on the planet, create good stories, and share as much love and laughter with my favorite people as possible. The days continue to fly too fast so I figure I’m just trying to be conscious of the clock.

The point of this is certainly not to suggests we should all race around like buffoons against time and never enjoy the simple moments we are in. It is however, to say that if there’s something/somewhere you’ve wanted to do, say, go, try that is always in the back of your head, it’s probably your own clock ticking and telling you to do it. The only thing in life that’s for sure is that the clock doesn’t stop for anything.

Here’s to respecting time and trusting the process.