Jumped out, grabbed a few of these and gobbled them up:
If that’s not a treat, I don’t know what is.
(By the way this marks my 700th post. Go BLR go!)
Before I left on this trip, I had it in my head that today would be the day I’d head back east no matter if I had found a new home on the west coast or not. I have two sets of incredible friends getting married in VA, one this Saturday the 18th, the others on October 2nd. Funny enough, both sets got engaged here in Napa. I thought even if I had decided to be a west coast girl for a while, I’d at least be going back to participate in their big days, get the few small boxes of things I own, collect my mail and say bye to the east while waving as I drove back here west to crank out some work, make a new story for the next phase of life and pay off some debt.
Contrary to what I’m sure a lot of you would assume, in the past I have been an over planning, worrying, busy my mind and time just to busy it, wound up for no reason girl. I’m supposed to be the chill, traveling totally let things roll off my back girl though, right? Right, but not so much. In my past regular American days I have been worlds away from that. The chill, let things roll off my back and happy in a silent moment girl has only happened before when I’ve been on the road. It happens when I’m traveling, writing, taking photos, talking to strangers and hearing about their lives, when I’m running, and when I’m feasting with friends and family.
I have forced myself to trust the process of this trip and this summer, not worry, roll with opportunity with NO plan. I just wanted to think about what was best for me. We all know we can’t be much of anything to someone else until we’re something to ourselves. (I’ve tried! It doesn’t work!) I wholeheartedly felt before leaving NC/VA that this trip to my 50th state, the 16/16 anniversary of Maria and Brandy’s death and time isolating myself from my regular phone, email, worrying and scheduled daily practices would give me a perspective that I have fought so hard to find for years, but never knew how to get out of my own way to see before. Boy has it ever. I didn’t think my last weekend of this trip would wrap up to be the magnitude of grand finale “place” and perspective it has, but I’m sure happy it did!
Now it’s looking more like I will miss both weddings 🙁
This is upsetting to me as I will miss a monumental day for my friends, but I know they will understand. I also know every last detail of my minutes in the past near 9 weeks have happened exactly like they were supposed to (even the bad and tough ones.) If that means I miss an event, someone’s birthday, live on a coast or in a place I never thought I would, or end up with a job, person, thing happening that I wouldn’t have thought of in a million years, I don’t question it. I know the only reason why I can sit here in silence, on the top of a mountain, alone in California today and say I feel happy and content, is because I’m PROUD of myself. I am proud not because I am a hero, or am saving the world, but because I am finally listening to my intuition, taking care of myself, and not settling for something I don’t want to do. I’m doing what I want and poof- suddenly things, people, moments are falling in my lap. Well, not really, I wish it were that easy. Things are “falling” in my lap because I’m taking care of me, following my heart, and doing what I love. I’m pairing those things with busting my butt, being the best human I possibly can, and adding in every ounce of 32 years of my personal and professional experience to make a magical recipe.
The happiest and most successful people I’ve continued to meet, are healthier, have loving and full relationships more, and make millions because they are conscious and confident enough to do what they love, being generous and kind to their neighbors and busting their asses. It’s such a simple formula. Why haven’t more of us practiced this simple formula before?This is the like the holy grail of recipes and summer 2010 has handed me the index card with all the ingredients to make the perfect batch. (Ok, that sounded cheesy, but you get what I mean.)
I owe credit cards a bunch of money, a bank for a car loan and a few friends and family some from personal loans I took in 2009 when my life fell into a pile of poo. I had lost all confidence and understanding on how to get out of the poo for a while. I HATE debt. I LOATHE debt. Especially bad debt (like credit cards.) What I absolutely DESPISE the most though is having personal debt to friends and family. The bank is one thing, but friends and family are another. Knowing that I had some personal family and friend debt before even embarking on this trip, not to mention I didn’t even HAVE the money to go on this trip has been on my mind every single day I’ve been gone. I know based on a few comments from readers whom I don’t know, there might be an opinion that I’m the worlds biggest shmuck for taking a “vacation” all summer and feasting on food, sights, wine, events, and places. Have I feasted in every way? Yes. Have I enjoyed every ounce in every state and place with every person I’ve been with or where I’ve been alone? Yes. Have I felt guilt everyday because of the few personal loans I have outstanding? Yes. Have I ever questioned myself, my integrity, the reasons for this trip, or where I was going or why I needed it? NO. I was at a place in my life in May this year that was a culmination of years of nothing ever being good enough for me. I had been abusing myself by not ever cutting myself a break. I was hating for myself deeply and severely for not living the life I wanted and doing what I knew I wanted to do. I had never allowed myself the time, respect, or patience to figure out how to live what I wanted. I had no idea who I really was.
The ONLY and I mean ONLY reason I have learned to love and respect myself, feel confident in my abilities, and trust myself is because I have taken the TIME for myself this summer. Isn’t nuts to think that something like a road trip and 2 months away from any and all regularly scheduled programs could change a life forever?
Well, it has for me.
How do I pay back everyone and pay “it” forward? I find a way to help others allow themselves to take time. Time away from their own regularly scheduled programs when they come to a time like I did back in May. A lot of people out there are not as fortunate as I am with an enormous number of family and friends who love and support them. There is no way I’d be here typing this, alive and well right here right now if I hadn’t had that love and support from so many for the past couple years to get to the place I’m at now. That is the truth more than I could emphasize it and that scares the shit out of me. It also tells me very clearly what I am meant to do and what I’ll be great at. If I wasn’t conscious of this, all that love and support you all have given me and all those parts of my ass I have busted, would be all for nothing.
So to DP and Laura and Brian and Nicole; there’s a good chance I will be missing your weddings. I’m sorry for that. To my few friends and family whom I owe some cash; I am sorry for the delay in payment, but I know you understand and thank you for your patience. All who have been so generous and giving to me this summer and always, I will pay you back too and it will be ten-fold. That is a promise. I want to and will make up for every dollar, meal, conversation, joke, letter, call, hug, kiss, and laugh you all have ever spent or shared with me. Perhaps some of those things won’t come directly back to you, but they will indeed be pollinated anywhere I go for the rest of my life and that is for sure. I often think of this all/any monies spent as my college loans. I never went to college. Alaska or Bust has been my 4 year university this summer in 2 months. I’ve concentrated solely on educating myself, practicing independence, experiencing new things and passing tests. I’ve been positioning myself for the best life possible, that’s why kids go to college anyway isn’t it?
I feel like I just graduated. YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now it’s time to pay off some school loans. Who wants to give a fresh college grad a job? I might just be your best, toughest, full of promise and hope new hire yet. I’m that rookie with the endless smile on her face who’s hungry to crush it. I’m thinking this is all you might need to see for a resume.
It’s almost midnight and I’m still smiling.
Sunny day, incredible eats, fun and interesting company and that general overall feeling of somebody pinch me- I could live here? This day was a slice of my ultimate heaven. In my ongoing east (NYC) or west (SanFran/Napa) coast battle, the scales tipped blindsiding me to today in the most unexpected and delicious way. And juuust when I was about to gas up the car and declare Big Apple or bust…
(That’s thank you in Portuguese.)
Round 500 of thank yous. Oh how I’m so thank for/to:
*The Brothers Covey~ Indian food and fantastic conversation after 10 years- fabulous. I promise I will some how, some way keep pushing to revamp the twisted imbalanced American Corporate Culture.
*Neil and Christina~ 6 years later, feasting and exciting new upstarts. Cheers to that and let me know what I can do to help!
*Erin~ Vino, independence, guys with a name that start with an “S”, and bitch please! Never a dull moment right?
Oh how you’ve made my bay stay a blast and perfect way to wrap up summer 2010 Alaska or Bust!
…until at least Wednesday.
A friend who I’ve just seen for the first time in ten years just sent me an email with a link to this event in San Francisco on Tuesday. His email to me simply reads; “This was made for you.”
After years and years of repetitive conversation I’ve had with hundreds of people while traveling, and 9,000 miles to think on my current trip about what I really want to do, I’ve been thinking, note taking, talking and researching about starting a company like Meet, Plan, Go! for weeks now. Unexpected that this conference comes up, right when I am about to leave the west coast and during the last few days of the battle of where to move next, what to do, where to work, etc.
I’m going to this event to scope out what Meet, Plan, Go! is really like, see what kind of peeps show up to these things and I’m sure I’ll end up traipsing right up to someone at some point during the evening and telling them they need to hire me. I love doing that stuff. I’ll report back. Stay tuned. Things could get interesting…
Planning, planning.
Networking, networking.
Reading, researching.
Looking for a job.
Looking for a home.
Back soon.
…this was my view.
I’ve given up living in a McMansion, driving a new car, clothes shopping, and well- even a bed along with lots of other things so I’m able to do this stuff.
It doesn’t work for everybody, but I sure am glad I’ve made the choices I have.
I’m on the west coast and It’s 3:30am. I’m awake again lying here thinking about NYC AGAIN.
I’m ruined.
I started out my Alaska or Bust trip this summer there. From the second I drove in even close to the city I felt like a fish who found water. I NEVER imagined wanting to live there in a million years but 8 weeks and 2 days later here I am lying awake thinking about it. I have tried to force myself to love another place, I. Fully anticipated that I’d have some pull to Seattle, Portland, San Fran or Napa for a home right now. While I heart those cities for some reason I don’t really have a drop of pull for them. NYC however has me under It’s spell like no chocolate, man, cute baby, puppy, or other thing ever has.
Here’s a fun question; Where does a 32 year old single girl with nearly $27k in debt move with some solid leads but no place to live and no job? Well The Big Apple of course!
Eff! This is one of those times I almost wish I could ignore my heart and head. This is one of those times I think maybe It’d be nice to be a little scared about following my intuition. Now that I’ve gifted myself a trip and space like I have this summer I can see what I want and don’t want with a clear head. That’s quite a responsibility. If I ignore things I know I want or need moving forward, I know the world will b*tch slap me. I’m excited for that. So, so excited.
Be careful for what you wish for. You just might get it then you might be lying awake at 3:30am somewhere in the world because your conscience has an alarm for you that won’t go away.
I haven’t the slightest how I’m going to make this all work, but my alarm is going BEEP BEEP BEEP! I guess its time for some serious game planning on how this Vermont girl is going to make it in the big city. Unless some dream job or other situation comes out of nowhere like a right hook in the next two days, I think It’s pretty apparent where I’ll be headed. Here’s to freezing my ass off this winter!
…home again, home again jiggety jig.
I’m not actually planning on buying any pigs, but to wine country I go for sure. Maybe some work and a home for a spell, maybe just a visit with a friend for the weekend. Resume’s, have been flying out, networking has been happening for weeks, connections, research, hand shakes and high-fives all around. Blogging and traveling is oh so lovely, but I never get a paycheck on a Friday so we have to work on that.
Regardless of what the next step/place/thing is for me, I’ll never have a lack of things to talk about here. I have too many photos of yummy food, cool people, neat places, funny road signs, and other ridiculousness to not share them here. For instance the peach galette that Jess, friend of my friend Emma in Seattle who housed me made:
YUM.
Or this funny sign at a grocery store in Sitka Alaska:
I put it out here and in the universe that I was going to Alaska so I’d kick my own ass to do it. I’m not a big believer in sitting on some kind of “bucket list” for years. I think if you want to do something, you should just do it. However, i do think it’s healthy to write down what you want in black and white to help force yourself to own it. Even if it’s as simple as I want to eat a popsicle today. ( I had a DE-LISH fresh, organic, blackberry, roadside farm one the other day in the California Redwoods.):
So off to Napa to Napa to buy a fat- or er, well, maybe pick, sort and crush some grapes, hose out some barrels, work in a tasting room, become a monk-whatever. Maybe I’ll somehow find a way to get back east to a couple weddings I’m supposed to be at in the next couple weeks and then to the Big Apple to make a home. (Or at least sleep in a garbage can.) All I know is a couple biggies next on my active bucket list are to learn fluent Spanish and become a killer Salsa dancer. (Ok, so another marathon is on the list too, but I’m not sure about my half-broken knees…) Learning languages, booty shakin’ and running so I can eat more chocolate? I’m on it. I trust the rest will work itself out just as it’s supposed to. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m down to my last $50 and I’m going to wine country? I guess we will see…
Nah, I’m not trying to peace out or quit blogging here. Just ending my big trip from this summer in a quiet and reflective way. You’ll never guess what I found. I’ll accompany this big news with a giant HOLY SH*T. I’ve figured out what I want to do for work. (Well, one big thing anyway.)
I’ve only struggled, wondered, freaked, questioned, doubted, scratched my head and thought for you know, about a million hours during the past say 12 years. I’ve been fighting to figure out where my place is, what I’d become, where I best fit, why I didn’t want to do just one job or be just one person. I haven’t figured out all the secrets or anywhere near all the answers. What I have done is take time and space at 32 years old, just for me, in a way far from anything I’ve ever done. I stopped doing things because of other people and stopped telling everyone what I’m doing at every minute. I’ve not even called some of my best friends back in 8 weeks. I haven’t talked to family members more than twice in this 8 weeks. Typically I’d be calling or texting them everyday. Sometimes more than once.
It’s hard for any of us to understand what we’re doing and why we’re doing it, until we step out of it. WAY out of it. Yes I chose to be in Alaska for the anniversary of my friends death and to reach a goal of my 50th state. I am proud of that. It’s something no one will ever be able to take from me. What I didn’t realize, was the bonus gift I got from this trip was understanding myself more. It literally took me removing myself so far physically from where I was I couldn’t have driven farther if I tried. (Wilmington, NC to Alaska.) I’ve learned in this time that its not bad to take care of myself. Its not selfish either. After all, how could I ever be a good friend, worker, sister, neighbor, etc. if I don’t take care of myself or know enough about who I am. It’s not an easy task to completely leave your old self behind, abandon some habits and allow yourself to really understand the next time and phase of what you might be, but boy does it feel good after you do it.
The best surprise in my experience this summer has been those moments of; Wow! THAT’S why I had that nutty job all those years back, or Oh! I guess it makes sense now why I ended up moving there, trying that, dating such and such a person or having the desire to such and such a thing. As if we walk around today, scratching our heads doing our best to try and understand why certain things are happening, then we’re gifted by waking up the next days in our lives seeing that it all makes sense and was for something.
I know what I want to do now. I understand better than ever what makes me jump out of bed for a job. Now figuring out how to work it.
I hope you all take what time you can to simply, stop, shut your eyes and think about how the experiences and education you’ve collected can work with what your heart and soul are screaming to you everyday. When those things combine it’s like magic. I’m feeling like I’ve found some magic.
Here’s to disappearing for good reason.