A portion of what I wrote via email to someone this week:
Real is real and that is all I care about. Transparency is a beautiful thing. Lost is a normal feeling. All the things both you and I have each felt/are feeling are what everybody feels- It’s just that most people don’t ever share it. They’re afraid to, and they continue to live in pain. I share my pain through BLR and it has literally saved my life over the years. No one realizes that when I write, I write to myself. I’m not a magical happy unicorn of positive messaging because life is peaches and cream; I write, and push, and try, and believe because I have to– to stay alive and thrive. That is no joke. I am so bruised up, just like you and everyone in this world- but time is far too precious to feel sorry for myself/torture myself/think about all my mistakes/beat myself up/be alone, etc.
It drives me nuts (especially lately) when I’m told I’m “lucky” or when people think it is easy for me to do what I do with my time, work, travel, fun, friends, family, etc. because I supposedly have some big/great personality or mystical power. I’ve been told things are “easy” for me. I wish. Might I remind everyone of THIS, THIS, AND THIS for example. (Yes, please click on those three links and read, but no, please don’t feel sorry for me for one single second- everyone has their own stuff.) Those links are just illustrations of why my life is much like yours; not even close to always easy-breezy. I know for certain I have it far better than some, and far worse than others. I also know life is not some kind of competition of who’s loss or heartbreak is worse. If you feel heartbroken, devastated, used and abused, knocked down, don’t know what the hell to do with the rest of your life, awful just feels fucking awful. I hate awful just like every other human, even though I do things like go to Napa to see my friends and sip wine and stuff my face with good food, say yes when invited to sit on a river house pier and watch the gorgeous sunrise, and have adventures around the world.
Many times I write here, or you see me smiling big in photos at some tropical beach, in my car on a fun road trip, or at an alumni soccer game- my heart is heavy, as in a ton of bricks live on top of it. Have I ever lied to you or been fake, family, friends, and readers? No. Have I ever put on a tiny white lie happy face because I’ve felt that was necessary for whatever situation at the time? Sure. Have I ever absolutely forced myself to see and feel the good- not the bad, when I’ve felt like the world is crumbling around me and I’m so sad It’s debilitating? All the time my dear friends. I have to– to stay alive and thrive, just like you. And because life is too short not to celebrate.
What kind of life would life be, to sit around for days on end feeling awful even if you should be allowed to or have the right to? What is life for, if not for living fully, saying yes to opportunity for big adventure, and smiling even if during those big adventures our heart often feels incredibly heavy?
After a few minutes/days/weeks of sitting around feeling very, very sorry for ourselves (for any awfulness, self-inflicted or not), when bad things happen- continuing that it is simply wasteful and no way to live. Doing necessary, healthy pity-party things like feeling rock-bottom, swearing, kicking, screaming, slamming, smashing, snotting & crying, binge-eating, letting dishes or laundry pile up, not brushing your teeth or showering, or even getting out of bed are Ok, short term, but…
When life kicks our ass, we honor ourselves, and those not with us anymore by getting up and going out to KICK LIFE’S ASS BACK.
If you’ve got health and time on this earth, you’ve got everything, baby. Everything. Honor that, and rock out your existence on this planet doing what fuels you.
So what do we do when we don’t have the faintest clue about what to do and sadness is taking over? We take one itsy-bitsy baby step, even if that feels like it couldn’t possibly make a damn bit of difference. Here are a few options for today, Saturday September 5, 2015, if you feel like you’re living in the game of clue(less.):
1.) Read this and start. My favorites are #’s 5, 11, 12, 13, 19, 21 and 29. (25 is what I do to actually pay my bills, so I love and agree with that one big-time of course:)
2.) Clear enough cloudy brain space or dry the tears for just 10 seconds and think about a menial task or errand you can manage. (For instance, after finishing this I’m go get coffee so I’ve got some to brew in the morning, then I will stop at the ATM to make a deposit. WOW big monumental things, right?! Yep, today for me- it is. I’m still in pajamas, It’s 2:44pm, and I’ve had an intense week that should by all means put me on the couch all day, but I know as soon as I accomplish my big time get coffee and go to ATM to-do list, I will feel better and that will lead me to the next thing to feel good about.) Just do one thing you can manage.
3.) Share/give, even if whoever else on the receiving end may never receive it. (Huh? And Wtf, are you kidding me, Diane?! I can’t see straight and you’re suggesting I share or give?! Yes.) Call one person and tell them you’re thankful for them. Genuinely compliment the checkout guy/girl on his or her hair/earrings/smile/shoes/service. Turn to the person sitting next you and tell them you appreciate their friendship/them being a nice coworker/neighbor. Write to someone you love even if you know you will never send it or they won’t ever get the message. (A couple weeks ago I sent a text message to my friend Katie who passed away a couple months ago that said. “I miss you.” Certifiably insane? No. I just missed my friend and couldn’t keep my feelings bottled up anymore so I typed on my phone and pressed send. Bottled up is no bueno.)
If you’ve ever felt like a billion degree hot mess freak show of a person who is incredibly depressed, lost, pissed, or like you have no idea what to do about anything, if your heart has been ripped to shreds- welcome to the party! My hope is you’ll read this, and know there are people out there (in here) just like you. You are not nuts, and you are not alone. We are all in this together. Whaddya say we keep taking itsy-bitsy baby steps to continually spit delicious things back on life when she continually spits disgusting things on us? We can do it.
Inspire yourself. Keep pushing. Be a Mojo Warrior.
#RememberCelebrateLive #Fearless #Truth
