Blue Lollipop Road

Here’s to the R-I-C and those delish Cuban sandwiches and to the V-T and that incredible landscape. Oh how I miss you this fall.

How funny that I am sitting in Starbucks now writing this.

Today Blue Lollipop Road turns 1. Looking back at this year, I can’t help but think that if someone had told what this year was going to be- I wouldn’t have believed them for all the money in the world. Wow. 

I often talk about the ride” of life and madness of it all. I get that I am the kind of person to sometimes make the ride a bit zanier than it has to be. I just can’t help it. If there’s one thing this past year and being able to babble my thoughts here has offered me, it’s the lesson that we are what we are. Some things just never change about us each as individuals. We learn and grow some during the cycle of life. It’s human nature, but there are some core things inside of us that no matter how hard we try to avoid and or run away from, always stay. This is a good thing. It’s what makes the world this never ending beauty that is unexplainable and perfect. 

I am 31 years old. I’ve lived far away from where I grew up for 13 years. I grew up in the country in the tiniest of towns in a place where often people are lifers. My father built the house he and mom still live in when he was 18. (Yes, I know- that is wild.) Most of their neighbors have been there equal amounts of years or longer than them. One of these includes the only dentist I went to through all my years growing up. I haven’t seen Dr. B in years. Since I left the hood I have traveled around the world and back, moved 6,987,435,876 times, had 8,593,9826 jobs, relationships and good times and bad. As far as I know he doesn’t know about any of them other than the assumed occasional small town chatter like; “Did you know Duane and Ann’s daughter is living, doing, such and such these days?” Even though I haven’t seen him in years, and I could never begin to catch him up on the stories and experiences I have during that time, somehow the following is what he said just yesterday to my mother when she was getting her teeth cleaned:

“With Diane, it might be hard to hang on but it sure would be one hell of a ride.”

My Mother sent me this in an email and it was the first thing I read this morning when I opened my eyes. 

What complete and perfect timing for this post. The dentist who cleaned my first tooth ever said this yesterday to my mom after years and years of not seeing me. It’s the same thing people would say today and have for years. It’s official; I am me and that’s that. Clearly it’s just never going to change. Instead of any more trying to change who I am, after this year I can finally own who I am am. It’s an incredible relief after years of trying to find and fit myself into something else, when what I needed to be I have been all along.

I don’t think it gets any better than finding people in life who know exactly who you are and still want to hang on for “one hell of a ride.” On the other end, it is equally as incredible and rewarding to be the kind of person who can hang on to someone else’s “hell of a ride.” That to me on both ends is true friendship and true love. 

Here’s to true friendship and true love:

Happy Birthday Blue Lollipop Road. You have been one hell of a ride. You have saved me. You have let me be me. You have given me a place to come during times when nothing else was safe or felt good. You have been my heart and soul. Most importantly you have turned out to be exactly who I wanted you to be; Truth, honesty and a place to find myself.

Dear M and B, 

While I haven’t seen you for lots of years and lots of days, you are my spirit and I can feel yours. I am always hanging on to you for the one hell of a ride. I can feel you hanging on to mine too. Thank you for the true friendship, true love and for giving me this incredible gift.

Lets all put our big boy and girl pants on and shoot it strait people. Lets save each other lots of time and energy….isn’t life busy enough already? If there’s something I am missing and it’s really that hard to be honest- someone out there please explain it to me. Clearly I am crazy.

Happy Tuesday!

Yes sir, it sure will. Mine’s not from a food bank, but it serves as a belly filling dinner when it needs to and you have no money. I just stopped for a minute to look around my new home. I then looked down at my sad and unhealthy mac n’ cheese boxed din din (that lets face it- really does taste delicious on occasion) and had to chuckle. I then said aloud to myself; “Well- I’m broke but I’m happy!” It reminds me of this portion of an Alanis Morissette song:

I’m broke but I’m happy

I’m poor but I’m kind

I’m short but healthy, yeah

I’m high but I’m grounded 

I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed

I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby

That’s me. Totally and completely me.

It’s a rainy night and pretty cold out and here I sit finally after a very long time, in my very own home again- no roommates, no sharing, no one to answer to, just in peace and quiet with a numb butt from my hardwood floor- and I love every minute of it. Peace and quiet on a floor, with very scarce belongings, eating cheap food after a year like you read about (yes- one of those overwhelming ones) and it feels just perfect to me. 

I’ll get all that fancy nice furniture I had once before and probably lose it all again too because that’s what happens in life. I’ll likely at some point be sitting back on a floor somewhere eating mac n’ cheese out of a box, simultaneously being a bit peeved, wondering to myself how the hell I got “there” on a rainy and cold night and loving every minute of it too.

I’m not afraid anymore to admit I’ve felt lost a lot of the time but I’m always hopeful baby.

Nope, no excuses- I’ve moving, working like a nut, coaching and playing and on and on and all while trying to fight the swine flu. (Kidding- but my god have I been one sick cookie! Ugh. Not fun.) The Blue Lollipop has gone ditched:( I am here though. I’m kicking it live and uncut” as my VT boys say. Dare I admit that I have hit a time in my life where I just cannot do it all?

Sigh.

This is true.

But! I have plenty of material and posting dates saved and you will see them very soon when I get through some of this other busy goodness that’s going on. Promise on that because guess what!?…

BLUE LOLLIPOP ROAD TURNS 1 ON THE 16TH! My year anniversary is coming fast and furious. 

Happy weekend wherever you are. Where I am it’s 88 and HOT (kind of crazy for October- but I like it) and on the flip side my pumpkin picking friends in Wisconsin just said it was SNOWING.

Huh?

Little early for that I think, but have fun B & J!

More soon…

I love music and have been to 5,789,756,987 concerts/shows and all, but have never been a big “music geek”. I ashamed to admit I have not been any bit versed in who sings what/who’s who, etc. in the music world yet in my lifetime.

That is now going to change.

Let’s just say 5 minutes listening to these guys live tonight in an amphitheatre on a lake on a gorgeous night made me officially want to become that music geek and follow them around for the next, well- 5 years. Wow. The night couldn’t have been more perfect. One hiccup; me putting my foot in my mouth. As I was running around coordinating and planning and helping, trying to make everyone happy and everything just so (my company hired them to play) a young guy walked toward me. I smiled and exclaimed; “Hey! Are you one of my volunteers?!” To which he replied; “Nope, I’m in the band!”

GULP.

I apologized, we both laughed and chatted for a few. By the end of the night Johnny (the “volunteer”) the rest of the band and our crew were BFF’s. These gents were just straight up cool, fun, friendly, chill guys. They all could not have been nicer. We completely worked our butts off for this show and by the end of the night I felt like I had been beaten I was so tired, but what a fun job I have! So worth it the weeks of prep.

Thanks Railroad Earth. You guys were AWESOME! 

How do you lose a ferret by the way? 

So! Thank you to those who have taken me for every bitty last ounce, good, bad and horribly ugly. I know that you see even though I make lots of mistakes I try so so hard at all that I do. I’m glad you’ve been there for the laughs, fun and easy times and when I have been a giant jack-ass and flailing idiot too. You have taken it all in stride and stuck by me never running away. I hope you know that I do notice and will always notice. I also hope you know I never have and never will give up on you either.

Here’s to perfecting the art of falling flat on my face, feeling like screw up is sometimes my middle name, but also having the biggest heart in the world and having the ability to stay excited about all the possibility. To you who see these things in me, watch the rat race and never give up me- I love you guys. Thanks for understanding, knowing I only ever have the best intentions and hopping on the crazy-train to ride with me…