June 29, 2009
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I’ve had a lot of excuses in the past about my work, what I want and how I “can’t/don’t know how” to get where I want to be. This was pointed out to me last weekend during a very unexpected and unsolicited conversation with a good old friend. He called me out and was totally on point. I’m not sure if it was the tiki torches, the warm night outside, or being in the company of those incredibly kind old friends who have always been good to me. (That and a good cold beer probably didn’t hurt.) Whatever it was, some things just clicked for me that night that hadn’t before, or maybe I wasn’t ready for them to click. Now it’s obviously time for me to own up to some things I’ve had fear and insecurity about until now.
I’m ready.
A lot of what my friend and I talked about was this site and my writing. Blue Lollipop Road is going to be big. Much bigger than just my writing here. Yes, I have lots of work to do still and I’m not entirely sure about what this bigger thing will look like in the future. I am just 110% sure it’s going to be great. It’s now or never for me and I am busting butt to keep this ball rolling. I’ve often been peeved at myself for holding back on my writing or what I really want. Doing that is never going to get me anywhere. I’ve had the fear of offending or upsetting someone I care about. It’s made me freeze at times a back space some of what I’ve wanted to do or say. That and the fact I have a “real” job right now with bosses and some other potentially easily offended people who might read this.
But I have got to throw the gloves off now people. Here goes.
I want everyone to know that yes, occasionally I do things like every other human. These thing include, but are not limited to; Cussing, drinking, staying up way too late on school nights having a dance party with friends, eating way too much chocolate and reading People magazine. I’ve even had sex once or twice. (Holy crap did I just write that? Thank god my Mother has always encouraged me to be a “tell you like it is” woman.)
I know sinful. Lock me up and throw away the key.
I am also the person who; Is usually up by 6:30am to start work or go for a run, eats whole grain organic cereal and fruit, fully supports themselves- paying bills before they are due, always calls and sends cards on birthdays and anniversaries, holds doors open for strangers, never forgets to call on grandparents day and tells my family and friends how much I love them every single chance I get.
The above is not a disclaimer. I’m simply pointing out that I am really not all that appalling. I’m actually pretty normal. (You know you all do/have done that “bad” stuff too! Of course you do? Why wouldn’t you?) I’m just taking this opportunity to blast it out to the world. It feels nice and liberating.
One thing people have always told me is they don’t ever doubt me. I guess maybe until now I have doubted myself some. As an honest and usually wide open person, I thought it’d be a cake walk to open up all my thoughts here. Boy was I wrong. I do understand now there’s no times for excuses and insecurities. It’s time for real, honest and no bullshit-so here goes nothing. Besides, people don’t love me for keeping my mouth shut anyway, they love me for being a total stubborn pain in the ass and having a huge heart but not too much of a filter. here goes the can of worms. No back spacing anymore.
Thanks for the slaps on the ass Tony. For some reason they never get old. As for you calling my bullshit? Thank you for that as well. I’ll be paying it forward very soon and calling someone else’s. That’s how this all works.
Life is short. I’m going for dessert first- and a huge trough of it.
