Random babble

July 22, 2010 In Quotes, Random babble

always biting off…

As I sit here on this peaceful morning sipping my coffee and munching on my multigrain toast, 9 days into my trip- I decide I better finally look at a map and driving directions to Alaska from where I am in Upstate New York. Two words come to mind as the lake laps, the sun shines, and the breeze blows perfectly…

HOLY SHIT.

No I have not looked at a map for more than 30 seconds since I “planned” this trip. Yes, I know that AK is clear across the country and up through Canada Yes, I know that before taking on this challenge, perhaps I should’ve actually understood how far I’d be going. I didn’t. All I did was calculate that it was going to cost me at least $700 worth of gas to drive my route. It’s too late to turn around now and I don’t want to, but my am I going to have a lot more figuring out to do than I ever expected. (I have a tendency to jump then think. Blissful ignorance. No wonder why people get frustrated with me and stubborn has always been one of the top 3 words Mom uses when describing me.)

I now know that it’s a simple 10 hours from where I am to Chicago. No problem. That’ll be done in a day and a snap of a finger for me. From there though, it’s 34 hours straight driving to get to Seattle before going on the final leg to AK. Seattle to AK? Gulp…two days straight driving. It takes a lot for me to feel daunted, but I have to admit the holy shit and oh craps are running through my head now. I suppose because reaching this goal of mine was in the category of travel, and I love travel, I’ve instinctually had the; Pshaw! Cakewalk! Easy for me!- attitude. Sitting here now, I’m hitting a bit of the “wall” (like the one when you’re running a marathon, see mile 25 and think you’re done because you’re delirious, until it registers that indeed it is 26.2 miles to completion, not 25.2 and you want to scream- are you effin kidding me?! You want me to keep running?!) Push push push and get it done or drop.

Oh the wall.

After my engagement break-up a while back when I was a pile of train wreck disaster, a friend had said to me:

“This is when you either become that crazy old lady who lives alone on the side of a mountain in a log cabin to never come down, or you kick it into high gear, tear it up and own your life. It’s your choice Diane.”

I keep the above quote in mind, in those moments when I am exhausted, broke and wondering why the hell I am such a blissful idiot sometimes to do what I do. I’ll be channeling the spirit of my lost friends I am honoring and figuring it out as I make my way to Alaska and beyond. Perhaps this trip is meant for me to learn than place where you jump with a parachute. I’m already feeling like a different person since I left my starting point. I can’t explain it but it’s pretty amazing, it’s as if I’m getting to know myself and seeing my personal limits. Maybe I’m finally going to get to that place where I’ll start using those things they call baby steps. If this trip has already transformed me as it has by only day 9, I know without a doubt that it was the right decision and time for me to take this journey.

Here’s to tearing it up but starting to recognize balance too.

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March 23, 2010 In Random babble

A Short In The Life Of Me

Yep. This is about me and my day today. All complete truth and play by play. I decided to write it in a fun way like my own little movie:)
And scene…
She’s cranking out work feeling like a million bucks after a very early morning run and up and atem smile to start a new day. Life is good. She love’s her job, family, friends, hobbies. She’s just come off a girls weekend (see below) like you read about- so much fun she’s still flying high. She’s just finished a conversation about weekend plans and she’s getting excited for those already even though it’s only Tuesday. Out of nowhere she happens to run into something totally random and in a split second 6 million little pieces of something from her past fit together, and not in a good way. 
Enter that feeling that 50 people have just taken their shoes off and smashed you in the face with them.
She realizes, sitting there happily alone in that chair at Starbucks cranking out that work and about to pack up and get into the office that indeed her ex fiance’ had been cheating on her. 
Fuckface!- she thinks to herself. Then, hmmm- I don’t much think about this person from long ago, If I have moved on, if I’m busy doing 100 other things just now, how the hell is it that this was the day those 6 million pieces popped in my head to make sense of something that I was wasn’t even looking to make sense of?
Ahhh, yes of course. Like it or not the truth always shows up, and at random, whenever the hell it wants to- even if it’s a hundred years later.
First she feels rage, then she wants to cry. She wonders why if it’s been so long and she wants nothing to do with this person anymore, if life has moved on and there’s even been another romantic relationship in between why she’d feel anything at all. She then realizes being made a fool of is humiliating. She’s horrified to think it’s possible for someone to sleep at night after they’ve looked into someone else’s eyes swearing up and down about certain things and defending x,y,z. How can anyone just bold-face, flat out lie?
Maybe she could’ve avoided that nightmare she had lived; months of sleepless nights and no appetite, the buckets of tears, the lost, hopeless, confused, insecure feelings of “what could I have done so bad/wrong?” and  “How could I have been better?” Then- “To think I almost hit the point where I didn’t believe in anything anymore- all because of one deceitful shmuck.?!” Argh!!!
She sits for a few minutes, shaking her head thinking; What a piece of shit.
Enter simultaneous vision silver lining, flash to what’s now, real, true and today; March 23, 2010. While she has another moment of feeling pissed off and like the world’s biggest idiot for letting herself get hosed, she realizes she had probably actually been in denial the whole time not seeing the forest through the trees anyway. What she can see now is how hard she’s fought and fought and busted 66 asses to get where she is, she has a bagillion things to be thankful for and look forward to. She feels a furry of all the good (friends, love, lessons, vision, etc.) that ended up coming from that past nightmare she lived and a peaceful feeling rushes in along with a coy smile spreading across her face. Oh the places she will go she thinks, and this just more fuel to feed the good fire. She feels immense pride knowing she will never disrespect another human in the way she has been.
…and scene.
Dearest Craig,
From this day forward I will see you only as a first-class piece of shit. I feel sorry for anyone else you include in the path of your destruction. I am so very thankful for you dumping me when you did so I could be free to someday happen upon a guy who is not a piece of shit.
Even though you are an enormous asshole, I’d still like to be nice and offer you a friendly piece of advice:
Watch your back. See, karma is a bitch and it always comes around to bite you in the ass. Enjoy trying to avoid that one. I’d start running now if I were you.
Yours truly,
Diane 🙂 
***Ahhh, freedom of speech is incredible.
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February 18, 2010 In Random babble

Get Real

I think I’m finally smartening up as years pass, surrounding myself with real, like-minded people and understanding myself better than ever. It’s the best.

I just had a long conversation with a brand-new friend. (One of those lucky strikes; You meet and 22 seconds later you think to yourself- done! This one is a lifer! YIPPEE!) We have only know each other for about 3 weeks but you would think it’s been years. We have very similar stories having to do with our 20’s. (Typical young-adulthood things) having no idea who we were, relationship failures, feelings of being lost, insecure, over-committing to people, jobs and volunteer work, becoming “successful” then losing it all, moving to unfamiliar places- all that stuff.
Like comfort food or going home to see Grandma, it is such the best treat when you can have an at length conversation with another human who just “gets” it/you. It feels fantastic when you get through a very difficult period of growth and can sit on the other side with someone who relates and just laugh and laugh. 
My favorite part of today’s chat was when I shared the single best place that I’ve personally gotten to. The:
Really, if I’m not good enough or what I’m doing is not good enough- screw off. 
Yeah, that place.
This is not negative or bad- it’s the exact opposite. How many countless times have we all shrugged our shoulders and said something along the lines of: “I don’t even care anymore, it’s/he’s’/she’s not even worth it”, “Whatever if they don’t like me-oh well!” or “Screw them- I don’t give a shit.”
You know, that cocky and pretend bad-ass place you think you are at the time you say something like one the above but you actually do totally give a shit?
I’ve nearly killed myself the past 1.5 years trying to come out of a dark hole of immaturity and life cluelessness. Having no idea who I was or what I want. I sure don’t have all the answers now- nor will I ever, but damn have I gotten to a place now that I feel more at peace, happy and just plain old chill than I ever have. It’s friggin awesome. Working hard to get to this place comes with GREAT reward. (That above “place” I was talking about.) Feeling 100% confident that yes, you have tried your best, you’ve put heart and soul into “it”, you’ve been been honest and forthcoming, gotten up early- stayed up late and earned ever bit of whatever it is. The reward of the very first time you say “screw off” and you actually really feel that way, as in please don’t come running after me because I won’t turn around, I don’t really care if I ever see you again-yeah for real, no thanks-I’m over it-you’re a day late and a dollar short.
It is soooooooooo nice. That place feels like a million bucks. It’s like this freedom that’s unexplainable. Like putting a stake in the ground saying I have conquered! All that blood, sweat and all those tears were worth it and I’ve really gotten to know myself. I came, saw and kicked ass.
Here’s to kicking ass, taking names and finding incredible comfort in your ability to say if it’s not good enough; “Screw off!” and walk away smiling…
Thanks L. or should I say thanks JW? HA!
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