July 7, 2009
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I haven’t posted/written in 3 days. That’s the longest I’ve gone without writing in months and there’s a reason for it. (Ok, yes- the 4th of July partying got in the way too just a little. Busted.) But really there’s been a whole lot more than that going on. Clearly I needed some space from this, the complete and total meltdown that I had today and that serendipitously timed phone call from a friend I didn’t expect- for me to take the walk to the end of my plank.
You better sit down for this one. It’s going to get wordy. Just bear with me- I need to get this all out.
What I have written here is true, no fluff, filler or bull. I am almost 31 and I get insanely excited for things like ice cream cones and weird road signs, I see little things every day that make me giggle and want to run here to share with you. I’m quite sure these things make you shake your head or roll your eyes (in either adoration or disbelief.) and I love that. I’m good at getting geeked out and all thrilled about way more than most adults. I feel like I have the curiosity of a 4 year old so that probably helps. The truth is though, I started this project because I have felt I’ve always had too much good stuff inside not to share and was entirely comfortable and secure about “putting it all out there” in an attempt to encourage others to do so, but I have so have NOT been putting it all out there.
So here’s where I:
1.) Apologize to you who have been reading and thinking you’re getting the full on story because I have told you “here it is!” The fact is, it’s has been close- but not quite.
2.) I kick myself in the ass for crying wolf to an extent, claiming to have been as free and open as all get out a hundred times when I really haven’t been until now.
3.) Thank some people who know me best (Particularly, M.P, E.P, T.B, J.F) who have called me out saying things to me like “You know other people are going through the same shit! Write about it. You keep saying you want to, just put it all out there. What the hell are you waiting for?”
Somehow in all my, I moved out when I was 17, I’m going to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I’m independent, I don’t need anybody, I am totally confident and comfortable with all of myself, I’m so brave-ness, I have been a hot mess. A mess of confusion and insecurity. I’ve lived a whole lot of days in Chickenshitville. I guess I’m not as big and bad as I thought I was and I have needed to get knocked down a notch or 12.
Being entirely comfortable and secure about who I am am and want I want has been like trying to keep water out of a submarine that has a screen door; Impossible. I know now being completely entirely comfortable and secure about all that, takes years or often entire lifetimes if it’s possible at all. I’ve been afraid of things even when I tried to convince myself otherwise. (I’m so good at that!) When I’ve thought things have been peachy in my life, I’ve had troubles. I’ve had huge issues I have not wanted to admit. Bad-ass chicks like me don’t ever fess up to issues and troubles because we can fix them all alone and don’t need anyone- remember?
Obviously I’ve still not been ready to start being the not so bad-ass normal human me yet. Not until Meltdown Monday July 6th, 2009. Yeah. I think I officially lost it for a few minutes there. (Lesson #6,837,098,153,209; When you let things build for 30 years and try to run away, they will come and bite you in the ass with a vengeance like no other.) I guess when you try to run away from stuff, some force keeps poking until you just can’t take it anymore.
Thankfully I am lucky to have a spectacular foundation to conquer my meltdown; To my current knowledge I am healthy as all get out. I have what I feel is the most outstanding family and first-rate collection of friends/people in my life who I know love and support me more than anyone could ever ask for. I’ve travelled to infinity and beyond, had buckets full of “pinch me, is this happening?” moments and just an all around blast and good times on so many levels. These things have given me tons of happiness, strength and irreplaceable experience. Like everybody else though, I have my moments and have gone through some serious shit. The following is a little story to start us off on a straight up and authentic foot for real this time. I’m throwing it out. Now lets see if we can get somewhere:
I got dumped by my fiance’ the day before New Years Eve this year. I mean dumped. We had given up our apartment, packed up a bunch of stuff and were in the process of moving to NC so he could open his business. He woke up out of nowhere one day and dumped me. Yep. (I believe I finally used the term straight-up hosed when asked by a couple of ladies yesterday after doing my best to fluff the real story up in some other way for the past 7 months when others have asked.) I then thought I was going to die. I had packed up half my house to move with the fiance’ after spending 11 years in Virginia which was chucked full of 11 years worth of friends, volunteer organizations, teams, you know- a full life. I was ready for a change, but now what the hell was I supposed to do? Where the hell was I supposed to go now that my home, our business and life was wrapped up and packed up to move and I wasn’t invited in the Uhaul?! So I did what any other out of their mind, wrecked, ravaged and completely shocked dumped person would do; Put an ad on Craigslist and sold everything I owned then stored the rest of my soon to be new life at my big brothers house; 1.5 suitcases and 3 plastic storage bins and a tool box. I bought a plane ticket to Argentina and left the country a few days later. There I spent the next few weeks roaming around that incredible country (with my little brother who was there on vacation) doing my best to enjoy and breathe. I tried so hard, but boy was I a complete pile. At one point my little bro had to pretty much pick me up off sidewalk. He did the best at attempting to entertain me. He listened to me babble and sob more than any little brother should have to on his vacation. (Here’s to big and little brothers. I LOVE YOU.) I Flew home early, short of my planned 5 week stay in Argentina. I was such a heaping pile of mess, I knew I at least had to try to get ahold of myself and start putting one foot in front of the other. Back in the states, I took my small bit of belongings from big brothers house, packed my little car and went to stay with some friends in Raleigh, not Wilmington where I was supposed to have been going with the fiance’. I stayed with those friends for a week because how could I move to Wilmington? The place where we were supposed to be together and I didn’t have a single friend or family member? Was I trying to kill myself or something? Then I got pissed off and thank god there was an ounce of sass left in me to pack my little car back up and carry my happy ass onto where I wanted to be with or without anyone; Wilmington. So that’s how I got to where I live today.
One day life seems all set. You are healthy, sure you might have some problems here and there but are happy and making things work, you have a place to live, a business, a strapping fiance’/partner, a life with friends and all the “stuff” anyone could really want, a plan, a future, a gorgeous ring on your finger- yadda yadda. A few days later you’re in hysterics at an airport with the Delta staff asking “Oh honey- are you Ok?” because you know you now have none of the above and whoa nelly, life is about to get pretty darn hairy. Yep. That was me 7 months ago.
Since ringing in this tearful new year by myself, my months have included, in no particular order:
Hysterics, 7,000,000,000 phone calls bawling eyes out to family and friends, 7,000,000,000 emails to family and friends complaining and asking advice and thoughts, consumption of 7,000,000,000 humble pies, laughter, 3 addresses and 4 different roommates, thoughts of throwing myself into the ocean, “What in the effin hell am I doing with my life?”, lots of writing, new friends, anger, chocolate, frustration, confusion, despair, realization, thankfulness, hope, happiness, soccer, more tears- BIG TEARS, volleyball, time alone at the beach, time with friends at the beach, boat rides, huge crush on fantastical new guy (I know, I can’t believe it either and was so not looking for it. Apparently that’s how this stuff works though.), reality, learning who will be there and who won’t, a 15 pound weight loss, good food after I started eating again, wine, beer, booty shaking, trip home to see family that I really needed, 4 jobs, perfecting being broke as a joke, new license plates, relationships with some friends and family elevated to a whole new level, using the mens room instead of the ladies because gimme a break- it’s a toilet-does it really matter?, More tears, disappointment in myself but then real pride for the first time ever, random conversations with strangers that have changed the way I think, hopes, dreams, long car rides, fear, big smiles, running, yoga, more anger, more tears, more complaints, people showing up out of the wood work totally catching me by surprise and making me even more thankful for what I have, more fear and about bazillion other things.
And that’s just the icing on the cake.
In my 30th year, life pulled the rug from under me in every way shape and form to tell me to wake the hell up. This is so completely and totally not about a break-up. It’s so much bigger than that. In my 30th year I have been at a peak of misery, despair and complete hopelessness that I never thought I’d get to. There’s no way I could’ve ever imagined how lost and alone I have felt. As I am about to turn 31, I am thankful I’m not about to turn 61 because now I have a lot more years to live better and I am learning a lot at a much earlier age than most. I don’t think the ex fiance’ is a total jerk. As much as I hate the saying- it is what it is. It’s just life. Shit happens. Sometimes you unintentionally hurt people you love. Timing is everything. Growing up is much harder than anyone can explain, you just have to go through it to know. Sometimes by accident people drag each other through mud. It’s Ok. It’s all part of the package. I’m sorry too C.L.
I’ve been a mess of normal cluelessness. Also a stubborn, hard on myself immature brat about a lot. This doesn’t mean I am awful, it means I’m just a girl trying to figure out my place in the world. I screw up, trip up and mess up a whole lot. I’m trying my best to accept that it’s all part of the package of wiggling my way into a comfy spot. This is not a sob story or pity party but just the opposite. Of course it’s good therapy for me, but really I just want to continue to grow, learn and be open. I want to live the best and most authentic life I can and this is helping me get there. I hope in some way you can relate to what I write or find some enjoyment and comfort in it. Beneath the surface we all deal with tough stuff, some people are just more comfortable than others talking about it. To me, the best and deepest relationships come from talking about that tough stuff. That’s where you get all the best lessons too. I want this to be a comfortable place to talk about tough stuff, and a place where I can follow my heart and encourage others to do the same. This is where I truly believe I can do great things. Today is my biggest step. I hope you’ll step up to whatever you might want to as well.
2009 has been the hardest and best year of my life. I am no fool to think there won’t be special deliveries of hard stuff for me to deal with in massive boxes coming in the future. I also fully acknowledge other people have much bigger problems and pain than my little measly ones. I’d just like to say I’m so beyond grateful of my recent lessons. I’m much better prepared for when the next rug gets pulled out from under me or when I pull it on myself. Yikes. As I type these last few words there are tears. They must be tears of relief for truly making my first big girl attempt in letting it all out. Thank you to every person I have spent one good or bad minute with. Those minutes have helped shape who and what I am and the good work I will do.
Walk to the end of your plank people and get ready to jump. I don’t know about you, but I’m not waiting anymore. I’ve waited long enough. I just jumped and it feels friggin’ awesome.
For M.G., B.B and myself. For every day from here I promise; STRONG MOJO!
I knew this was going to be there when I got back to my car. I had fed the meter a bunch of quarters, but my work meeting at the beach, sitting on a bench, in the sun on this Friday morning (yes I said work meeting) was just too good to interrupt.